Enjoyed your poem, there was one line
I felt could stand some attention.

inhale at last your funny cigarette,
love her and at last find comfort.

My suggestion is to change one
of the "at last" ...

again, enjoyed,

Richard

Obviously the Moonman finds 98% of this poem quite acceptable in spite of the narrative being quite incoherent. Quite how an awning comes into play i don't know but that aside and without spending to much of my precious time I'll point out the obvious. Firstly What has an executives mouth got to do other than lie ? presumably it issues other information, factual, transnational, general requests like "Can I have a coffee" so it does have other uses. To continue The slave's dice - who is this slave and what's he do with dice? No context therefore no meaning. As for the greeting well what did he greet? And quite what is terse engorgement? Who runs back to the anthemic temple ? The presumed executive or the slave? Or us the reader? and so it goes on jumping from sentence to sentence with no reference to what the reader is to attach this narrative to as if you expect him by magic to read your mind until we reach Never- never land which has had no introduction, no reference until the last stanza. And so on and so forth until we reach the end and sigh with relief. Did i understand this, did it make sense, did it have any value as a narrative? No .
The only thing going for it is its length and this where with some focus you can cut it down and add to it making clear your intentions and adding some structure to it. As it is it is a spaghetti of interesting words but no more.
Jimm

Here's my take: Poetry is first, last, and always, the unique and personal property of the poet. What it may or may not mean to others is insignificant except to publishers and critics. Your poem comes from your soul, and is told by your inner voice in your own way. As such, it is deserving of merit and forever a target of those fools who think that tearing apart another poets work is somehow a testament to their own. Your poem is valuable to those who value poetry for poetry's sake and value those who have the wherewithal to produce it!

Rosco, this is a comment I wrote to Ian:

Ian, you nailed it. Free verse or meter -- it only matters what works for each of us. How we are viewed is a matter of different aesthetic values...I am on 2 different sites--good results on one; poor results on NEO. After 40 years of teaching literature [LATIN CLASSICS TO MODERN WESTERN] nothing else appealed to me but Ovid and Virgil and the French Romantics...and Dante, But that is my personal aesthetic, which doesn't discount all others less than poetic. We need to let go of our ego when we write and when we critique.

Joe

Have no problem with clearly exposited meaning and coherent narrative. Often a work is expressionistic, even abstract.

This work stands on it's own and defies classification. It has it's own powerful merit and certainly does fall for the trap of pretentious obscurity or defy meaning and interpretaion.

It is not easily accessible nor does it have any obligation nor any requisite to be.
I dig it. Why not?

I would be miffed is you offered a translation, let us work for what we may garner.