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I recall

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Tue, 2013-07-09 02:05

I recall a time when communication was as easy
As rain falling, innumerable thoughts condensing
as droplets from eaves

And then evaporating as they should
Without the need to record the feat
Of embracing gravity

A Bakelite phone clinging to the wall
with umbilical longing
The cable extending to the son that would

ring them all, eventually
On an unadulterated, innocent line
of no interest to the state at all

Save the sanity of his Mother,
slaking her thirst on his news
None of which should interest a back room boy

black suited and tied to his role: impunity
Feeding his collated drips to an unflinching
mechanical dog, who lapped it up obediently

Then stole away, their truth imbibed

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
A few current themes explored here, a little innocently, with the climate of scrutiny we face with communication, how much more complex that process may have become, and how relatively innocent it used to be in the land of the 'plain old telephone system'
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Tue, 2013-07-09 02:58

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I have lived for a while now lol.
We use to have to go out of the house to find a big red box where there was a phone in, put four pennies, in dial a number, press A if there was an answer, or B if not.
I remember the CB's coming in, they were misused now gone away.
Now we have a small Microwave Transmitter Receiver in our pockets, that we carry around all day..
I remember touching a radar aerial output with my finger, where the burn started from the inside, unusual but it bloody hurt, microwaves that cook meat from the inside.
Now children that have microwave generators that they hold to their very soft heads, where the signal starts to excite the internal structure of the soft tissue it is near.
I fear that there is a cover up of the real damage that these things do to children.
A new saying for you:-
"Fear the object, that when held to the ear
makes that warm feeling inside the head"
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ian.T

Fri, 2013-07-12 18:43

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There is a revision block at the top of the stream entry I myself haven't as yet used it but if you want to revise your works I think you can use that function, just ask someone that knows. I usually edit my poem by cutting and pasting a second write under the first if the changes are big.
You best ask someone like Beau for help, take care and please reply to comments it helps all our members to learn of different things, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Mon, 2013-11-25 15:36

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You haven't used 'Revisions'? Do you ever make revisions based on critical feedback? It is a keystone of the Neopoet process.
Tell me it isn't true
or I will truly rue the day
I ever gave you constructive feedback,
and even though I haven't done it often lately,
I will cease and desist forthwith.
What are you? A bloody Lonnie?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Mon, 2013-11-25 19:15

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I use the revision most times to read what others have changed in their write.
I do take notice of critique especially Jesses, most time I go to edit and sort out the odd typo, but usually I copy to word and go through each stanza as per the comment, and then delete the original and copy the revised on, I am not sure if the original is still there I can't remember checking that on my works lol.
Now you want to stop commenting on my words well that's going to take near half of the comments on my writing away, so I shall not be too worried.
You take care and don't you dare cease and desist forthwith, it will make me tearful and I wont be able to see the keys..
Comments is really a sore point with me as I comment at least once a day on a few writes and some of those don't even reply.
I give up with it all, and will just go piss at the wind in future, at least I will get some of my own back,
Yours Ian.T. He He
PS:- Jess have just checked back on the odd one of mine I see that the edits are all noted as revision, so therefore I must use it on my works sorry XX is I forgived

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Mon, 2013-11-25 21:11

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a bit less abusive than in the past, eh? I am trying. And really trying to get back in the swing of critiquing. You are high on my list but concentrating on newcomers at the moment.
Love you dearly and would never think of abandoning you, truly.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Wed, 2013-11-27 10:04

Ian.T's picture
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As I know you well, it is better for you to blow your top at me, I know sometimes I deserve it for writing crap, or suggesting something that is not good, but I is good at that as well.
It is so good that you keep those great comments, that are true to poetry, for the new poets and the younger ones..
You know that I just have a shot at you sometimes, just so that you lift your head up and see other things.
You have my unconditional love no matter what, and that's a lot for an Elf LOL,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

weirdelf

Mon, 2013-11-25 16:10

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Rather than reposting a poem when you make revisions click on 'Edit' and make the revisions there. This allows us to click on 'Revisions' and compare the changes. This is a very important part of the workshop process.

Very much enjoyed the poem. Elegant use of language. Pertinent and timely content. Thank you for sharing it with us. The revisions were effective.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

vandiemenspeak

Wed, 2013-11-27 05:22

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Much appreciated, I'll start doing that. I don't visit as frequently as I'd like as I'm often away in remote spots with not much internet access. Not familiar with term 'Lonnie' - I'll have to look that one up!

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2013-12-03 08:44

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I hope I pronounced that right ;) - glad you enjoyed, tidied up and adjusted slightly. Cheers. Chris

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Esker

Sun, 2013-12-01 23:12

Esker's picture

there was a ritual in the land of before...
how we may have cursed it....jumping up and
down missing a train...hearing the pick up
on the last patient waited ring....and no more
dimes....damn! But there was a mechanical
feel of the bakelite with its graffitti or importance
a static breath machine beast hiss I miss
knowing even then that the goverment must
have their spies..their eyes to absolve the fears
and so the prayers scratched in walls and
written in bold and delicate ...

it was larger and mysterious
the wires buried or swinging in the breeze
along the ways

evolving
like machine gun reporters
docu drama
eye on every
corner

Thank You!

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2013-12-03 08:41

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..ckick click, after you released your finger from the hole, sometimes impatiently forcing it into a contrived and hurried dial, sometimes happy to let time register those clicks, which you knew were buried away in a mechanical exchange not too far away. Even then name was quaint, and had a sense of bumbling innocence: POTS or the plain old telephone system. Strange how even in my relatively short lifespan, these cans with wires have evolved into a vast digital leviathan that was engineered quietly away in the background, and came into our lives by degrees to ultimately surround us in the air, under the sea, under every pavement. Ironically facilitating this conversation! Vigilance of the spooks is the key: I think, the price of free. unfettered communications is worth paying. I just hope trust can return one day. Thank you for the thought provoking response.

Cheers.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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