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The Uncomfortable Man

He won't go 'yes, yes'
as you spout some homegrown
mystical bullshit

It is not homegrown,
it is not common sense,
you forgot to question.

He doesn't think he's right,
he knows it.
No faith,
no lies,
just knowledge
he nullifies your comfort zone.

Why would you put up with this
arrogant old prick?
He without the authority of guns and bucks

Cogs with no difference,
slaves of indifference,
we forget,
we forget we are slaves.

And don't want to be reminded
of our insipience,
missing limbs in evidence
of fat old white mens lies

Sleep in proud ignorance,
whilst your brothers and sisters,
the planet itself,
dies.

Live reading at
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1Rbsj70fc7S

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

down of course...or up the gov and its pride...the textile greedwork of weevils
in the silk corsage of whitewashed eyes!!

a good kick poem Elf!

having a study of the land of down under....how its people express more
openly.....In our country the senate is in question
caught with their fingers in the cookie jar and how they are
complaining...such a little amount..a few hundred thousands dollar
for questionable expenses whilst everyone out here
struggles for the ordinary...

A mayor admitting to smoking crack and all the interesting
storyline following that Toronto that is

everyone human but humans
tire of hearing the perverse heresy of illogic
not all sit back

I like the flow of this poem
its impact is great
and its subtle nuance
make me take notice

like a broadband that all can
attune too
and relate in feeling
and thought...

Thank You!

I must admit I was fairly chuffed with this piece myself.
It's been a while since I wrote anything worth posting.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The West is quite open... anyone can hit anyone.....a wrong doer on ones head ...rightly or wrongly ... it's well said
But as a kid we all do ....so many tricks ...smack ...shack and in bushes we till ----- gals and guys alike we spill..............
Should it debar our will ....as we become Seniors and Mature...
The Eastern part of the world is not as openly bravely outspoken ...as USA /CANADA
but believe you me politics is like ticks ---------------it bites all and any one ....and any where ...what to say of USA Canada or Australia...
Do take care we love to read you Sir Esker......

loved

There Is no comfort in being around those who Know they're right. But sometimes there Is value in such men. I expect Jefferson and Hancock were uncomfortable company also. Now for some alternatives :
line 1, try yes, yes, Yes! (just seems to need another yes
try isolating line 6 by itself or putting it in parenthes
Also "bionic" seems to be the wrong word.....but I'm not sure why lol.......................stan

I actually wanted the yes, yes more understated, like a lazy, hippy unthinking, uncritical affirmation, so I tried something else.
I don't get the value in isolating line 6, it segues directly from the previous 2 lines.
You're right, it was the wrong word. I substituted missing though artificial might be better hmmm...
hey! A workshop might help with this, hint, hint, any time you're ready.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

You have excelled in this piece just wondered if it was a double edged sword "Damocles" springs to mind.
Is this where you have a hand at poker and can't do other than call the other players.
Now this is a cryptic comment, where the others have taken it as a dig at those that are in charge of a mess, to me it read a little different.
To me it was as if you had been sat in front of a Buddhist Monk, and then left with a lot more questions, if you follow my thinking??
(would be the first if that happened)
Still whichever read or write it is, it came out good,
Yours as always, Ian

Lateral thinking???

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I'm not sure what you mean by the reference to Damocles, which represents the idea that happiness is impossible in a state of constant fear.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

It was the idea of having to make a decision.
Not the threat of the consequences.
The double edged sword is you're damned if you do
and damned if you dont.
I suppose we are still a prisoner to our own thoughts.
Go well young man will talk later,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Damocles gets to be "king king for a day" with the condition that above the throne was a sword hanging from a single horse hair right above his head. The point of the story was not anything to do with the sword being double edged but the ever present danger.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

This is a brilliant piece of writing. I love every element of it. A terrific commentary on society as it is and as it could be. Great work.

appreciated

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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