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Where Sadness Lies

Submitted by brittle light on Tue, 2013-11-05 04:47

I once saw a litle girl crying
her kitten had outgrown her
and no longer wished to play

it was not a mopey cry
but a cry of startling discovery

loss had given its first indelible lesson;
she had glimpsed a void,
and the possibility that all could be lost

this particular event
would only be the first
of a kind

..........

twice upon a time
a boy kissed a girl

they were lying in a meadow
side by side
on a hill so high
it nearly touched the sky

he gave her a rose for beauty
a drop of dew for health
an acorn for the future
and a shiney stone for wealth

although her smile seemed to linger
she had started to cry
then he kissed her once for love
and once to say good-by

twice upon a time
a boy kissed a girl
once upon a hill so high
and once to say good-by

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

mand

Tue, 2013-11-05 06:14

mand's picture
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'Tis sad! During the journey of our lives we learn lesson of love and loss!
( and it doesn't seem to get any easier ). :)

I liked the contrast of the two styles. The second part flowed really well - it's like a jaunty little lilt.

I liked it alot

Well done.

Love Mand xxxx

brittle light

Mon, 2013-12-16 15:11

brittle light's picture

I'm glad you liked the piece(s)

Al

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2013-11-05 06:27

Seren's picture

I like the contrast between the first and the second parts, one of the hardest lessons in life is loss, we go through loss and change everyday, some changes so minute that they mostly go unnoticed but for those watchers. I was really taken with this piece I will be back to read more :)

love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

brittle light

Mon, 2013-12-16 15:11

brittle light's picture

thank you JC

Al

author comment

Rula

Tue, 2013-11-05 06:28

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I especially like
"twice upon a time"
and the second version is really great.

version I ....Kitten?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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brittle light

Mon, 2013-12-16 15:14

brittle light's picture

thank you for your time and thoughts

sorry about the lateness of my responce

also appreciate the spelling correction

Al

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2013-12-17 00:13

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I'm not sold on the change of styles. To me it detracts rather than adds. If the first part rhymed and the second part was freeform the structure would contribute to the meaning in the sense of moving from homespun, nursery rhyme wisdom (that's not a criticism although I admit it sounds like one) to a personal contemporary instance. You get my drift?

cheers,
Jess
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