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untitled
i found it strange
that i am waiting
for the day before the dawn
along this setting of the sun
within this arc of arcing ray
waiting for the alarm bell cocking
crowing on the day of day
i found it strange
this hesitant
this dark before the fall of night
and on this ebb of ebbs it follows
as the light trickles double
as the moon has twice his way
but just before the evening hollows
and turning night turns into day
i found it strange
how noon days sun
often turns to midnight moon
and how the stars cast there shadows
as if the shadows never shade
but turn to light and bright the shadows
and tell the sky the shades to lay
i found it strange
to see the sunset
breaking on the evenings end
and found it strange
this sunrise awing
into the flight of light of day
this strange of difference changing twice
this strange from two perspectives breath
but still i find it quite serene
this folding fold is what stands left
Last few words:
id love to here your opinion on work. please comment.
Editing stage:
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Comments
wesley snow
Mon, 2013-10-28 15:16
First
Welcome. I hope you take full advantage of everything here.
Let me make some mechanical insights.
The meter here is extraordinary and it has been well proofread. No typos. Does my heart good.
I'm something of a nitpicker, but won't pick until I know you better. In the meantime let me say I enjoyed the poem.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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China Blue
Mon, 2013-10-28 19:33
Lovely
Just lovely. This poem flowed very nicely along
I to can get nit picky of some things
I cannot understand how one can write such a great piece as you have and not have a title
Look at the words of the poem itself is one way to find one
or
think of an abstract tile
a title most times will contain one or more words from the body of the work
but on other occasions ( and I have done this myself) pulled a title from a random thought
either way please give this gem a title as you have created something here now give it a name
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Ian.T
Mon, 2013-10-28 20:02
Yam
Welcome to our place, and I hope your journey with us will be good for all.
Your first piece here is good and has attracted a good set of comments.
More to your profile would be nice,
A title for your poem by you not us, but something like "An Endless Moment" or along those lines would be good.
In your write just watch out for the odd tiny thing like:-
A capital "I" for yourself always..
Then the words There and Their,
"and how the stars cast there shadows" did you mean there or their??
There:- is where something is at "over there", or used as "there now" a state of being..
Their:- belongs to someone as in "their shadow", "their place" or " their cloths" etc:
Otherwise as the others said a very good read, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Race_9togo
Mon, 2013-10-28 21:00
Welcome
to Neopoet. You've made a very good impression, with your first poem published with us. It is excellent, and I can find little to critique.
I wouldn't worry too much about the title, although Chrys's advice on the issue is good (it usually is). The title will come to you, eventually. I know how you feel, though - I have problems with titles myself, sometimes!
Good stuff, keep writing!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
YamIandU
Thu, 2013-10-31 16:50
Thank you for the wonderful
Thank you for the wonderful comments you all left. I am happy to find a place i can get the positive feed back i was looking for.
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2013-10-31 17:30
If I may make a suggestion.
Don't be afraid to ask for specific comments. The more the website knows of what you're looking for in the way of feedback the better able all are to offer it.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about