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My Dream

Submitted by tsbabadepoet on Mon, 2013-10-28 09:13

If only we can hold on to it
Feel and live just as it went
I will forever look forward to you
You paint my thoughts with hope
It's on your foundation that am a success
I stood at my porch every morning with the strength I gained during your visit
Your absence each night is the knock of bitterness
Your embrace is the warmth of peace
The light that makes a glorious morning
It's for you I look forward to dusk
For each second away from you is a threat to my hope
Come to me and bless me an icon among men
And forever will I be in debt to you
Oh my sweet dream.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

China Blue

Mon, 2013-10-28 10:25

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I found this poem dripping with cliches but the emotion is there. Also the use of "I" is redundent perhaps you can drop some of them and the sentence will stand on it's own. For example

Instead of saying I stood on my porch every morning
try this:
Standing on my porch each morning

these are only my opinions
and suggestions

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

wesley snow

Mon, 2013-10-28 14:04

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... I had a little trouble with this verso libre and as China I felt it suffered from cliche.
However, it is remarkably emotional.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Seren

Tue, 2013-10-29 07:56

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I have to agree with the above comments but I have to say even with the cliché I felt an emotional connection, so you got me there :)

I haven't been around for a while and I don't think I have read you before I enjoyed the read I will be back to read more as time permits

kind regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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