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Down the Aisle
There is an indecipherable complexion in the way that you look at me,
Oh please forgive.
The soft silk sheer veil admits to truth,
Oh please forgive.
Petals falling
Recite lost poetry
Do you still want me?
Oh please forgive.
Weak knees
Fear retribution
Parting lips
Fountain prayers
Oh please forgive.
A black tear
Diluted with sin
Further corrupts ivory
Please.
Forgive.
Let me go.
Do you want me?
Do you own me?
Let me go.
One last step
One last breath
An innocent hesitant kiss
Feasts from fear.
Penance.
Penance.
No.
Still time slays hope.
Soulless solitude awaits.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Pugilist
Mon, 2013-10-21 03:23
There is some good imagery
I believe I understand what you are trying to convey, a sense of another being having a hold on you, your life, your heart, and aching for it to stop and there is some good imagery but the flow of the piece is jagged and not in a way that, for me, serves to enhance the work.
The repetition of "oh please forgive" seems out of place in the area and then stops suddenly and I am left wondering if you had one thing in mind and changed direction.
I know I am in the minority when I say poetry should tell a story or capture a moment but that is the filter through which I view it. This piece tells me part of a moment and hints at a story and even though you do not need a hard resolution, I feel you do need a stronger approach to pull the reader through the end of the work.
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Jonathan Moore
Race_9togo
Mon, 2013-10-21 23:15
Hi Layune.
What I got from this very strongly was all the doubts and fears of a woman walking down the aisle, and going through with the ceremony, even though she knows what ultimately awaits her. Frightening, sould-destroying, and pitiable, to me.
And timeless too, which I consider to be essential in a good poem.
And this is good.
I would split the first line into two.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Esker
Thu, 2013-10-24 14:36
abstract interpret...
I like the poem for the structure of it
a funeral is held sometimes in a church
a high head of state or queen or princess
(I like medieval lit along with the poems etc..)
death of one era of an innocent
and the start of duty and responsibility
the ceremony and ritual
of state..
(which in those times was)
state itself is an abstraction too
basically who has the governing power
a log church
a cathedral
a princess a pauper
the mystery of the "Forgive"
a darkness..
in todays modern lit
One could be a vampire...
"I shall be beautiful forever and thou shall age and wither unlike thee"
or
I am corrupt with the sin..
or
I love but another
a mere stable hand..
etc
the use of fountian
is classic..
euro and spanish
were big on these works
france and the super
wealthy
a public place
fountians were not
private but extravagant
expenditures
and like a wishing well
water which is an element
and fertility
and or purification
symbolism
goes well with the poem
you have made me now think
of why the term describes it as
down....except maybe in an act
of humility
and up the aisle as in a
show of respect to God
but Im uncertian
Thank You for this..