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SLIGHT
If pain is commensurate with pleaure,
Why do I cry?
If heartache is what I treasure,
Why exacerbate the tries?
If losing is worth
The choosing
Let me not measure
Why I'd be tar- brushed by the feather
That is you!
Pp. 19/10/13
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Pugilist
Sun, 2013-10-20 23:16
Flow
I understand this is not a structured piece but the shifting flow combined with the rhyme scheme makes it hard to parse. Perhaps you might detail what effect you are looking to create and we could go from there with specifics.
Currently I get that it is about a lost or abusive love but I do not feel as if the piece delivers the power you want to give it.
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Jonathan Moore