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Just You Wait

I need to look at days gone by
To see if there are things that I
Have missed in my every day
Things at work and then at play

Do you know the things I miss?
A stolen look, that long soft kiss
The talks of love and other things
The friends I had, then my siblings

Things that may seem every day to you
To me they are lost, I can never renew.
It is an age thing I hear you faintly say
If I turn my hearing aid up all the way

To be running after all those pretty birds
If only my Zimmer had wheels, it’s absurd
I use to be a gentleman and open the door
If only my arms worked as well as before

You can laugh at me in this sorry state
Damn younger people oh how I hate
A grumpy old weak man they will say,
will they laugh after I have gone away.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Just a silly write for something to do
Editing stage: 

Comments

Please don't take this up the wrong way, but here's the thing... I read the first three verses and smiled and said - this is so good, and crafty and humorous. Then I opened to come here and comment and found there were more verses. Not that they're not equally good and well crafted, but perhaps too much. The messages is punchy and not too maudlin - in just those three first verses. Would you perhaps think of trimming it down a bit? Entirely your choice, but just my take on it! ;)
Regards

Bonitaj

I did listen to your words and decided to chop the thing in two, I just jotted it down this afternoon when I had a space.
I do this sometimes when I feel that I haven't put a piece on for a while.
Thank you for your input I see what you mean, so I just put the before bit in and will see what I can do with the rest when time permits,
Take care out there, Yours with thanks, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Ever noticed how the definition of "old man" gains years at a pace equal to or own? lol. I used to think 50 was old.Last line in stanza 2 might be helped if you could manage a way to replace kin with siblings...............stan

The use of Kin was to incorporate all the family, but Siblings I should have seen it flows better sorry Mum and Dad lol.
This was around 10 stanzas, it was where I had travelled on to that great forest in the sky, but I cut it in two as Boni suggested, to just have this half.
Still it matters not it flowed OK and made sense as is..
Thanks for your visit, Take care out there, I have two sticks from Africa and some crutches some place if I get fragile lol.
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This is what I call a nice down to earth write!

It was fun to read!

Love Mand xxxx

It was a scrabbled piece, and this was only half of it the rest is hidden in revision.
Boni said it was better to just have the first bit, what I'll do is use the second half as another write later when time permits.
You take care down there, Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I look forward to it - this one made me snigger! He he

Love Your humour.

Love Mand xxxx

have been waiting
still shall till you say relax

loved

I did not read the poem before you revised it so I can only comment on what is here now. someone once said"youth is wasted on the youth" how true this is. Isn't it wonderful growing old(lol). As always I can find nothing in it's content to suggest

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Lovely to hear from you, thanks for your comment, sometimes I revise a poem but most times I use word and edit it as to the first few suggestions.
I write most of mine as I sit here, though I drift off the line sometimes or talk too long on one poem but most of mine are spontaneous.
This is how I use to write for people as I met them out in the evenings, I still have some of the originals on beer mats here some place, I would rough write them on one beer mat then rewrite on one to give them, it was fun..
.
It is as Chrys that would wear a large brimmed hat of blue
Its veil would never hide her eyes from you
The truth of words were there for all that knew
Where to love, where to live, many things so true

Take care of you both out there and live in the truth of the real you's..
Yours as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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