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Rainstorm

Submitted by mand on Wed, 2013-10-16 09:07

Winds ferociously growl
with weather most awfully foul.
some trees buckle and bend in the sway,
blown by the blustery day.

The sky is overdressed,
with swaddles of cotton soft pressed
churning clouds of rumble and tumble
‘til water sluices crumble.

Pouring buckets to earth
that skip into puddles of mirth,
falling down from the heavens in pelts,
drum beating watery welts.

Until all is unhinged
and vapours are beautifully tinged
with vermilion dazzling drops.
after the torrid rain stops.

And the sky riddles blue
refreshing a wonderful view,
as the sooty dark billows unfold,
fringed by a sunset of gold.

Last few words:

This an old poem I wrote a year ago. If you see any glaring mistakes - I would be happy If you let me know.

Editing stage:

Not actively editing

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2013-10-17 01:19

Nice poem,

Nice poem, only crit i've have is to many and's in the first verse. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

mand

Thu, 2013-10-17 04:13

Hi Roscoe

Thank you - that's just what I needed! I've changed the first verse. I hope it's better.

I'm sorry I'm not around much! I tend to get pockets of time to come on the site. My grandson had an op a few weeks ago - the wound became infected - so he's been home with us up until today. I'll be running around today + back to work. Hopefully I'll manage to spend some time on the site this evening. ( though there is no guarantees ).

I very much appreciated your help and observation.

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxx

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2013-10-17 09:42

Hi Mandy

I am also a fan of autumn rains. I like the images of a storm which quickly gives way to clearing weather. A few suggestions :
Stanza 2, line 4 seems to be a bit short. try ....burst and crumble
S-4. l-1 try changing is to becomes
last stanza. I know that being "smacked has a different connotation over there but cracked and smacked don't seem to quite fit this poem to this "colonial" lol.............stan PS sorry to hear about grandson's health problems and I send wishes for a speedy recovery

mand

Fri, 2013-10-18 05:25

Hi Stan

Thanks for coming by to read and comment - always good to hear your voice ( metaphorically speaking ). I will take a look at your suggestions - as and when I have the time of course. Grandson is back off school! It's a complicated story! but he's likely to be out of action for quite a few months. ( He's 13 ). Still at least the infection is clearing up. ( a potentially dangerous flesh eating bug ).. He had to have very strong antibiotics.

Keep safe my friend.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

loved

Fri, 2013-10-18 21:17

sitting by the window sill

glass big and stone still
I see the autumn leaves
flying around silently ,
then rain falls suddenly
and
i relish your poetry
pitter- patter me
happily
this is what all call poetry
now Loved can also see

loved

Neopoet

Rainstorm