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Identity
Identity, my old enemy, how do you do?
Making me wonder who am I, like you give a Damn.
Spinning my wheels at your hands, you make me crazy.
Poison arrow through my heart, heated dagger in my eye.
Thoughtless bastard, you darken my soul, make me lose my mind.
Through your torture, the push and pull, I find comfort in your arms.
Twisted love turned to hate, as I second guess my fate.
Where do I belong, you spit in my face, grinding my dreams to dust.
Go back to the hell from which you came, nothing left to see.
Just a shadow, chalk outline from the past, no more than a glance.
The former self of who I was, lingers in my mind.
Identity, my old enemy, why can't you let me be?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
lonlyhrtsclub13
Tue, 2013-10-01 23:24
it is
A struggle with my own identity...that line represents being at the mercy of the confusion...at my identity..I don't know what feet I used but thought it sounded good...Thanks Beau
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2013-10-02 03:58
Carrie
You are unique in all things, there is nothing that can hurt you out there, we just need to make our mind and body armour the best there is.only letting in those that we love and giving to those others love so that they may see all that they are missing in life. many years ago 35 infact I wrote a piece for a young lady in Canada that I knew I would never see again I hope it will mean a something to you:-
Believe
Comes the dawn,
When all the things
of your yesterdays will mean
That today is the first day
of life's journey for you
Being close, being lost,
reaching out for what seems an age
Touching flowers,
yet not having to pick one
till that dawn
Will make that final flower
so wonderful to hold.
Do not fear to feel things
before that dawn
To have lived in yesterday
only makes you see
More clearly the things
you need to see
When the time comes
I hope that I can be
Within a small part
of your yesterdays
That will make the dawn
more beautiful
Just for you
You see that the past is something you have learned, the NOW is the important thing and the only thing you need.
OK it is tempered by the past as I said, but only carry with you the beautiful things in life and the lessons that you have learned about others, then you will have the ability to be able to pick a beautiful flower.
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lonlyhrtsclub13
Wed, 2013-10-02 06:00
your poem
Was beautiful. I have struggled with identity my whole life. I learn from some things but not enough from others. I am burned out these days. Confused and uptight. I did win concert tickets for this evening, if I can get a sitter.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2013-10-02 08:35
Carrie
Each morning when you see the mirror you use, just say to it that you love that person there, and as you believe that the love is there, then you will find the lovely person that others see when you let go a little and spread yourself.
Any time you need, just think of us and we will be there at your side, telling you that you are Carrie and there are many that love you, Yours Ian.T & Friends
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
wesley snow
Wed, 2013-10-02 19:29
You're not going to like this.
The poem itself is marvelous. Vintage Carrie. It's why I read you. Evocative and dark.
However...
It is a mish mash of meter. Nothing specific. I would have liked to see Dactyl/Trochee or Anapest/Iamb, but I fear you used everything in the cupboard and not in any particular order.
There is nothing "wrong" with the poem other than it does not follow the parameters of the workshop. It is no particular meter.
Tell me what you were aiming for as far as the meter is concerned and I will scan this for you. I want you to see where the meter led you... and I do mean "led YOU". You did not lead here, the poem took you for a ride. It is how you write and I don't want to change that utterly, but I do want to add an understanding of meter to your process.
Go read "Chrysalis" and tell me if you can "hear" the Dactyl in the poem. Then re read yours and tell me if you hear a specific meter.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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lonlyhrtsclub13
Wed, 2013-10-02 19:46
I wrote
What flowed...I knew there was no particular order but it sounded good...try as I might my brain does not seem to grasp one particular structure....could be the mental burn out I have going on...I.kinda like the way this sounds...
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2013-10-03 12:14
As I said,
There is nothing wrong with the poem, but I would still like you to grasp the "concept" behind meter, so that you might put it to use. It is nothing more than another tool of poetry like rhyme, correct spelling and syntax. The more tools you have in your bag the better your poetry becomes.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-10-04 05:52
These are the stressed syllables as I read them
It is almost impossible for me to put in meter breaks because, as has been said, it is irregular meter. I don't think I will even try. There is meter there, but not regular, identifiable meter.
All I can add is a crit on the poem. If your identity was so fucked you wouldn't have survived. You are a pretty cool hardcorchick.
Identity, my old enemy, how do you do?
Making me wonder who am I, like you give a Damn.
Spinning my wheels at your hands, you make me crazy.
Poison arrow through my heart, heated dagger in my eye.
Thoughtless bastard, you darken my soul, make me lose my mind.
Through your torture, the push and pull, I find comfort in your arms.
Twisted love turned to hate, as I second guess my fate.
Where do I belong, you spit in my face, grinding my dreams to dust.
Go back to the hell from which you came, nothing left to see.
Just a shadow, chalk outline from the past, no more than a glance.
The former self of who I was, lingers in my mind.
Identity, my old enemy, why can't you let me be?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-10-04 05:54
I invite anyone to copy and paste this and add meter breaks
There is some regularity at work.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lonlyhrtsclub13
Fri, 2013-10-04 07:59
thank you
For the compliment and highlighting the stressed syllables. I seem to have trouble distinguishing them. Now that I see it, maybe I can rework into something more strict.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2013-10-04 12:27
Carrie.
First of all, stop trying to write something "interesting" while you are fighting with meter. Fussing with both meter and artful poetry is too much work and you will limit both efforts. Write the meter. Don't worry about "what" you write, just write the meter. Dactyl and Anapest are hard, but if you work the meter and get comfortable with it you will find two things will happen:
One, the "rhythms" are actually easier to use than you think. You have to find it and then it is almost like singing a familiar song.
Second, you have a tendency toward Dactyl anyway. Work the meter strictly and you will find you want to use it. Stop trying to write something of worth. This is an "exercise". We don't care if it's poetry, we only want you to understand the meter. You can write something "good" later.
Get it?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lonlyhrtsclub13
Fri, 2013-10-04 14:21
you
Know my mind automatically rebels strict structure....I will give it another try. My mind hates you for it but the challenge is good for it
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2013-10-04 15:07
try keeping it simple
Wesley has said several times he doesn't expect great poetry, just correct meter. When you can do that it comes easily.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Tue, 2014-05-20 17:55
i still like it as it is
to me this sounds good too.
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
Thu, 2014-05-22 12:21
thank
You, alid
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
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