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I"m Tired Too

Submitted by moianna on Sat, 2013-09-28 01:33

I look at you
melting eyes
lets escape
and you say
"i'm tired
We are all
tired
tired of our marriage
our kids
our jobs
this state
this weather
our in laws
the loneliness
that is why
I am looking
at you
looking in you
in those eyes
in those beautiful
blue eyes.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Sat, 2013-09-28 22:12

Esker's picture

writting lyrical style
without the ballad breaks
reads like an artboard script
(a rough artistic sketch of
a scene or film sequence)
I appreciate this medium
a lot...

I overhear peoples convos
now at bus waits
and at the mall
smoking cigarettes
outside doors
The crowd of smokers
dispersed or huddled
in little formations
their clouds on non
windy days rising
like text

I know a creative
person who speaks
aloud like this
Ive always been
fascinated with
dialogue
and this is written
aloud which is
missing from
a text based society
today

this is the old form
of conversation
and put to a poet form
for me I just
really like it

and I really like
the typos of the exclamation
and the other twins to
mark an inclusion to
dialogue or bright full
idea...

an interesting poem
that caught my attention
today..

Thank You!

weirdelf

Tue, 2013-10-01 05:52

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

and ends in sentimentality.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Tue, 2013-10-01 19:13

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

Have to agree with Jess on this one.
The end could have had so much fire in it yet it tailed of into a forgiving zone, shall we dance some more..
Yours Ian.T

PS:- I see that you have been a member for nearly two years and this is the first poem, come join some more.
I see by the picture you have been busy and have been blessed with a lovely child, go well and I look forward to more of your works, Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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