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In the shadow of her

Submitted by themoonman on Fri, 2013-08-23 20:48

Have you ever heard a dream come true,
I have, every time I heard from you.
Did you ever face a forceful wind
and feel it on your back,
that's how I felt when you were near,
surrounded,
no dreams, no past.

An affection everlasting,
a charm that never ends,
I'm listening for your touch
and the seductive breeze it sent.
Winding up my wanting,
clutching at the hidden strings,
ravenous, overpowering,
beyond my understanding.

Have you ever had a dream so real
that you woke up in the after chill,
that's how I've felt since you've been gone,
startled
and forever stilled.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Fri, 2013-08-23 22:04

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This is so impressive, heartfelt writing . It really touched me as it sounds so real.
Other than the repetition of the word 'chill' I can find no flaws, but it still it reads good if you think it's the right word.

I liked the sound consonance in 'startled' and stilled'
Many thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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themoonman

Sat, 2013-08-24 05:23

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Thanks for the read and critique. I felt good about using the
word twice until you said something, now I believe I'll change
one or the other.

thanks,
Richard

author comment

Ian.T

Sat, 2013-08-24 09:56

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I must be late on this one, UI liked the whole thing and it was a good theme, Can I suggest another end for two lines:-
and the seductive breeze it sends.
beyond my wildest dreams.
Just thought that these two ends might make the overall flow better if they fit the form..
Good to see your work here after a months absence..
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

themoonman

Mon, 2013-08-26 05:16

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Appreciate the read and suggestions,
"sends", although the flow is smoother it
is present tense, the poem is written in past
tense.

May just use your "beyond my wildest dreams"
or some form of it when I edit again,

thanks again,

Richard

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2013-08-24 16:38

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partial rhymes, but you might make them a little closer. Take away the [s] on strings and change the word [sent]
to [sends]. I'm not sure how I would finish up that last line, unless it was to leave off the [ed]. I felt the loneliness and the sorrow at the passing of such a beautiful relationship. Beautifully done! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

themoonman

Mon, 2013-08-26 05:24

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Thanks man, good suggestions.
"Sends" I believe changes the tense,
but may incorporate the others.

This was written not necessarily to
rhyme but for ease of flow, hence the
"near" rhymes (which I like to use).

thanks,

Richard

author comment

Raven Maelstrom

Sat, 2013-08-24 22:45

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Richard, I enjoy the uneven rythmed pattern of the passion which weaves through the entire piece. I read it several times to fall in tune with its essence longing...not crying out, but softly calling out. I'm not skilled enough to critique a new ending or replace words; besides it says its an "editing rough draft". My approach is much different. I anticipate change as the writer settles into the piece, lives with it for a while...or maybe just a moment. Passion is an irresponsible emotion capable of diving, climbing, exploding, imploding, or simple freezing in place---one never knows. Grow with this piece because the flow is there in the words and fire is there in your heart.

themoonman

Mon, 2013-08-26 05:31

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Thank you very much. This piece has been in my
files for at least 10yrs, has been rewritten countless
times and just recently worked again and submitted
for the first time.

I believe that every poem can be improved, until we
are no longer here to attempt it anyway.

Thanks for the read and the encouraging words.

Richard

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2013-08-26 18:58

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Read the comments and your responses. Seems a lot of the suggestions were discounted because the might change the tense. Have you thought of having the protagonist recalling the past (when she was here) while bemoaning the present (in which she is gone). Nobody ever said a poem has to be entirely written in one tense. BTW I enjoye the mixing of senses and seeing you pop up with a pasting...........stan

Esker

Wed, 2013-08-28 12:44

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like this descript
great poem of an expression
of notation...

like an aftershock
or pressure wave

Thank You!

themoonman

Mon, 2017-03-20 22:52

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I'm glad you liked it and appreciate
you pulling it out and commenting on it,
thanks again.

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