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Lost with You
I wanted to be yours,
your preferable rose,
your poetry,
your muse,
your prose,
your shrine,
your morning shine,
your diction,
your science,
and fiction,
your zeal,
your hope,
and feel,
your season,
your wind
your reason,
your ring,
your smile
and spring,
I wanted to be all
when there came
the fall.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is Stan's Idea. I feel more in my comfortable zone here,
that's why I've posted two pieces.
Wish you'd all bear with me.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Sun, 2013-08-18 11:47
Rula
I read it with the AND then without those three and's substituting them with the "your " already being used, I think that this is better to me with all the "Your" or am I missing a reason for those three???
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Sun, 2013-08-18 12:51
Ian
I thought this is too bad to receive any comments LoL...
No secrets here, I used the ands just to break the repetition of you only, so what do you think? I've tried both myself and was more happy with those ands but I shall read through again and look into your take.
Thanks for the visit.
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mand
Sun, 2013-08-18 12:08
Nice Write Rula
I like your rhyming structure - and I very much thought the ending had a powerful impact.
Well done.
Thanks for sharing.
LOve Mand xxxx
Rula
Sun, 2013-08-18 12:55
Mandy
I'm really happy you thought the ending was good. I was proud of it myself.
Thanks for your kind visit.
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weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 03:31
Stn's concept was
Stan's- a rhyming poem
with ababc rhyme pattern
emotion : loss, of a loved person, place or lifestyle
idea : the loss should be conveyed on secondary level and poem should be written by somebody who is intimidated by rhyme
The have only covered
emotion : loss, of a loved person, place or lifestyle
I am glad you did another one.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2013-08-22 03:48
I thought the form is only a suggested one
I didn't think that we had to stick to it.
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weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 03:56
The concept iscrucial
You can write any poem you like in the Stream.
Workshops are for trying to expand our poetic abilities,which are truly human.
Here you are expected to try really har dto look into other ways of expressing yourself and,most importantly,expand your own humanity by exploring other's ways of thinking.
I should have been Shark Pool.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 04:04
I repeat
Stan's- a rhyming poem
with ababc rhyme pattern
emotion : loss, of a loved person, place or lifestyle
idea : the loss should be conveyed on secondary level and poem should be written by somebody who is intimidated by rhyme
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2013-08-22 07:30
I think
this implies withdrawing it from the workshop
Done.
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weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 08:02
not at all!
thoughit could need major revisions
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2013-08-22 08:19
concerning the rhyme scheme or just in general?
I appreciate any suggestions.
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weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 08:26
the concept consists of an emotion, an idea and a srtucture
which of these do do feel you have achieved in this poem?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Thu, 2013-08-22 09:49
I think
I think i well met the idea, the emotions and it is structured but not the rhyme scheme where I thought some modification won't hurt.
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weirdelf
Thu, 2013-08-22 13:16
Rula, I am not picking on you
Each concept asked for an idea, and emotion and a structure.
Stan's was
Stan's- a rhyming poem
with ababc rhyme pattern
emotion : loss, of a loved person, place or lifestyle
idea : the loss should be conveyed on secondary level and poem should be written by somebody who is intimidated by rhyme
Your rhyming scheme was aba
emotion was conveyed well
he also asked for the loss to be conveyed on a secondary level. This was first level, meaning you didn't tell a story to convey the meaning.
1 out of 3.
I don't want to be a fascist, but it is considerate and part of the exercise to include the whole concept when you write your poem.
If you can't meet Stan's concept either re-write it or admit it didn't meet requirements. No need to delete it. Others can learn from your mistakes.
This a workshop where you attempt to extend your abilities, not a place to post poems you might well have written anyway. You can do better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Sat, 2013-08-24 00:25
Too bad :)
1 out of 3 means I've failed this one completely ::). I think I have missed the meaning of the secondary level thing. I should have asked but unfortunately I didn't.
I won't deleted though. Do you think I should re-include it within the workshop poems so others would learn, or is it ok to keep it outside the workshop? Please advise.
Thanks for the lesson.
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Raven Maelstrom
Sun, 2013-08-25 22:01
Capturing today
If we were to delve into why the popularity of poetry has wained over the years, it would come down to a lack of understanding. In today's society, it's instant gratification. Catch my attention quickly or lose me forever cries our youth. I've seen it in high schoolers, traditional college students and young adults. I have three well educated children who could care less about poetry...but, after reading this to my daughter of 26 and 29, they were like---wow---that's powerful. What else does she write. Me, at 61...I loved it! Sometimes when we step out, we step in, step on, step over it; however, regardless of what anyone says negatively...you stepped through the door and brougt a piece of genius with you. Oh, I know. What do I know? Let me say this. For personal reasons I recently sold my antique and curiousity shop called, "The Bizarre Little Corner". It was bunched in among 8 other shops and over the past two or three years the others complained about poor sales. "The youth of today just aren't interested in antiques", they bemoaned. However, my shop was hot! I out sold everyone! Why? I designed the shop with an appeal that captured them...it was called uniqueness, odd, strange, different and intriquing. This powerful piece appeals...you go girl!
Rula
Thu, 2013-08-29 00:09
Raven
"What else does she write?"
This is a compliment I've never thought I'd hear. I am really flattered.
Thanks for dropping by such a very kind visit.
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