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The world is round
and spinning,
round and round
and tilting
at an awkward angle.
Retching over the side
while watching good mates
take the blue,
a wave comes crashing,
storms start calling,
and then,
the world is flat
and uninspiring;
hot and humid
in the doldrums.
Afternoons
are long and weary
and the night
brings no respite.
Naught is felt
of wind and rain;
this silence will
drive us insane.
Quick!
There's rapping at the door;
a wave breaks on a stony shore,
the needle pricks me,
lab lights blind me,
then the darkness...
Where were we?
The world is round
and spinning,
round and round
and tilting
and I cannot find my feet.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words:
I was nervous about this workshop, and I really don't know why.
I'll submit an idea after this, then check out the other poems. I found it difficult looking for an idea; the main thread is just too long now.
Here's the idea submitted by Precious:
"Idea ~~ write a poem from the conscience of one personality amongst many others
contained together inside of a person living with Multiple Personality Disorder
Emotion ~~ confusion, chaotic connectivity, detached"
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
Ghana
Favorite Poets
William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath
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Comments
Rula
Sun, 2013-08-18 21:55
hello George
I thought you did well in setting the scene.It reflects the idea of confusion as
well as the ending but in between I thought you were a bit off the track of confusion and it tends to bring more a nervous mood, at least for me, if this makes any sense.
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William Saint George
Sun, 2013-08-18 14:24
Thanks for reading Rula,
Thanks for reading Rula,
In the middle of the poem, I made a sudden switch to another personality, to help create more confusion when the other personality "intrudes".
I hope that explains the confusion in the poem :D
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentRula
Sun, 2013-08-18 14:34
then
Perhaps showing the other personality in italics would help, at least the reader (imho)
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William Saint George
Sun, 2013-08-18 14:36
Will do. Thanks for the
Will do. Thanks for the suggestion :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2013-08-18 18:39
WSG
A quirky write the confusion was there though I thought you could have been less domineering and let the others talk a little ???
We will have to collect the pieces together and see how they fare,
Yours ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
William Saint George
Sun, 2013-08-18 18:55
Thanks Ian,
Thanks Ian,
The idea was to speak with one voice, so one dominates. I gave the other personality a little time, just to show that this was real MPD. Also, you'll note my use of 'we' and 'me' throughout the poem. This is to further create the confused tension I imagine a MPD sufferer will experience.
A shame I couldn't use italics on the second personality to clear up any confusion in the poem.
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2013-08-18 19:03
William
Pieces that are of split personality, after watching Golam in the Lord of the Rings, it was really great where he held the talk with himself.
I was a little severe on your write though I would like more we and me and us at the start and throughout the whole thing.
I shall talk to Sparrow a while.
I wont answer, I shall call Yenti
Ok Ian.T what's wrong now? what do you want me to do,
Yours Yenti
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Sun, 2013-08-18 22:04
trying to help
with the italics thing
1. Go to edit
2. Select the whole piece
3. Click right > cut
4. From the TEXT FORMAT box choose ADVANCED FORMAT
5. Now select the part(s) you want in italics
6. Usr Control + I ( the letter i)
7. Choose save
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scribbler
Sun, 2013-08-18 22:55
Hello
In trying to catch up I'm doing "lite" comments then will return as time permits to get more in depth. i see you used the same subject as I did. i also see you used rhyme and non-rhyme to differentiate the two personalities. And you did it all in free verse which is very good because too many refuse to make use of rhyme in free form...........stan
BlueDemon77
Thu, 2013-08-22 18:52
Great attempt William
It's very surreal and disorienting but I don't think it went far enough to suggest the disorder. That's just my opinion though.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
eightmenout
Fri, 2013-08-30 00:29
Sir William
A solid write. I truly enjoyed it; especially how you tied the opening and closing together. However, as related to Precious' idea, I definitely think the poem could use more development with regards to the personalities. Albeit that I felt the confusion, I was able to traverse the poem as one person and did not feel the need to switch to another personality.
Look forward to any edits you may choose to make,
Scott
Scott