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It Didn't End Well

Submitted by mand on Fri, 2013-07-26 16:33

My mind is astir
I wish things could be as they once were.
My heart is drowning in sorrows,
sad for those empty tomorrows.

From high up I fell.
I hit the ground, it didn't end well.
After bouncing off jagged rocks,
with nothing absorbing the shocks.

Numb.. for awhile,
my stomach churned with sickish bile.
I tried to move, but I was stuck;
felt as if I'd been hit by a truck.

My blood oozed and gushed
my mind and soul were shattered and crushed.
I was splintered, broken in two.
I looked up...I looked up to you.

I loved you so much;
I would give anything for your touch.
Your kiss was so warm and tender,
but you had your own agenda.

You betrayed my trust,
now I lay crumpled, broken and bust.
You shoved me.. pushed me from the top,
then walked away and didn't stop.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2013-07-26 18:32

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I liked this one but felt that there could have been another Stanza before the last one.
Anyway it is still OK as is just the one small typo:-You where stood so tall,
The where should be were,
Take care Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

mand

Sat, 2013-07-27 03:11

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Thanks for stopping by to read and comment - I appreciate your honesty, especially because I want to improve. I have at least two weaknesses - I'm not very good at titles and I have problems with endings ( writing a poem, for me, seems to flow until I get to the end - so any suggestions would be very appreciated ).

Thanks for pointing out the typo - I'll correct it a.s.a.p

Lovely to see you!

LOve Mand xxxxxx

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Rula

Sat, 2013-07-27 01:46

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I am sorry it didn't end the way you want. Sounds like "a bad dream" or fiction, I hope.
The pace goes smooth most of time and with nice rhyming.
I see you were an earlier member than I so I'd say welcome back
and hope to read more from your pen.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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mand

Sat, 2013-07-27 03:48

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So nice to meet you! Yes, I've been away awhile - Life has been hecktic, but the pace seems to have slowed down ( I'm hoping that's not just temporary ). so I have more time to devote to poetry and reading poetry.

I'm hoping to learn some new techniques etc I like your moto!

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment - any suggestions would be welcomed.

Love Mand xxxxx

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-07-28 05:34

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The revision has made a lot of difference to the whole thing great,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

mand

Sun, 2013-07-28 06:29

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You were quite right! I added another stanza - I hope it makes sense. I really appreciated your help - can't always see the wood for the trees. If you think it needs futher improvement I would appreicate your imput. You have been very very helpful - thank you my friend.

LOve Mand xxxxxx

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