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Vision

Submitted by Shamoneness on Tue, 2013-04-02 23:15

I watch you as you watch me
Your glaring eyes sink into my screen
And I'm all you see
All around you
Becomes invisible
Once i'm turned on
I've seen you laugh
many times
and cry on occasion
but usually you just stare
Motionless
Filling your head with my filth
I do have some worthwhile
things to offer
You just have to search
Dig Deeper
Hunt
And you may learn something
or expand your horizons
or even be inspired
Just don't stay too long
Keep our visits short
Because sometimes I get tired
of watching too

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2013-04-03 03:48

Ian.T's picture
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That we join you in your poetry is fine but to tarry there is not good for either. A fleeting visit is all we need, to read, and feel the things you say, then hold them or discard, but in doing so it changes a thought process in the way of things.
Just a few small nigs, when using I it is always capital as in I'm :-
And (i'm) all you see
Once (i'm) turned on
All around you becomes invisible (this line is multi purpose and needs something to clarify its point eg:-
All around you, become invisible
All around, you become invisible
All around you, becomes invisible
All around you becomes invisible.. as you have written ???
Good fun maybe I stayed too long lol, a good write though,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Josephus

Wed, 2013-04-03 07:15

Josephus's picture

Well written. I've never considered TV to have a personification much less a dominant one. Great insight.

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

Frenchf

Sat, 2013-04-06 14:36

I find when I've sat at my computer for hours. Suddenly tis dark aorunnd me and in fact all around me is s invisible
Good write

Geezer

Sun, 2013-06-23 15:56

Geezer's picture
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Ian, you should definitely use capitals when speaking of self, be it yourself or the inanimate object.
I think that the best way to write the line is:

all around you, becomes invisible

I really liked the twisted trail here.
I can imagine the T.V. from the other side. Watching! LOL

~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-06-23 18:44

Ian.T's picture
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I see that you have revised your poem it reads well now, when you have done with revising it would be good to see you talk to the others that have helped you, or advised it is so lonely out here with no one talking to us.
Sometimes the author deems it OK to not correct because of idio what evers, but we love to know either way lol..
Take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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