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Strip Poker

The King Of Hearts
sits 'round the table.
Shuffling, cutting and dealing
he lights another.

The Jack of All Spades
too drunk to play,
oggles the women
as he lifts his shot glass

Ace of Clubs
rolls his eyes.
Come on losers
we're playing cards
not the grab ass game.

Emerging from her corner booth
she eyes them all.
Hips swaying, breasts bouncing
six inch heels tapping on the floor.

Good evening, Gentlemen
she smiled, rubbing against the table
things seem kinda quiet
let's turn it up for a while

Who is this bitch?
Ace cruelly spat.
get back in your booth
we'll call you when we need a lap dance

Her expression hardened
as she replied,
Once you've caught my attention
It's impossible to get rid of me.

She slid a collar around his neck
her voice pouring out like honey.
who's the bitch now
let's rock and roll
my rules, my way
who will be the first to go?

The first to go
the King laughed.
what do you propose, little tramp
Ace is right, we'll call you when we wanna dance.

She rolled her eyes
there will be dancing but not from me
the name of the game is strip poker
put your money away
the price is your life
I've called your bluff
now get ready to man up.

Jack was suddenly sober
you crazy whore
how much have you to drink
go back to the freak show
bondage and discipline
just ain't our thing.

Her blue eyes flickered red
like flames igniting.
You didnt let me finish
how I hate being interrupted.

From out of her purse
she pulled a little blade
silencing her enemy
grinning as he gurgled
and landed in his last drink.

She eyed the King
deal the cards.
Then fixated on Ace
with a snort.

You're another big mouth
who needs to be put in his place
look at your hand
the cards will decide your fate

Shaking, Ace did as he was told
while wetting his pants.
Two aces, two eights
all in black
the dead man's hand
he was royally screwed.

Get on the table
and take off your pants.
You, my friend, are the one
who wanted to dance.

She undid her belt
whipping him where it counts
watching him wiggle
across the table
all with a satisfied smile.

Enough of this
you're no fun to torture
She stood on the table
pressing a heel into his neck

Taking him by the collar,
she pulled it tighter and tighter
until the eyes bulged from his head.
Softly she whispered
You wanted to dance,
now I want you dead.

Blood and matter sprayed across the table
as his eyes exploded
first the right and then the left.

The King took a deep breath
wiping the aftermath
guessing he was next.
I'm the only one left.

She let out a girlish giggle
and strutted across the table.
You, my King, will receive a special treat
since you played by the rules, you can choose your fate.

Choose my death, I'd rather not
but I sure could get laid.
She snickered and snorted
you're such a creep
this is non negotiable, jerk off
hope you enjoy eternal sleep

Digging into her bag of tricks
she found her favorite knife
saved for dumbasses
who don't know when they've been given a break.

Knees to shoulders
she pinned him down
tearing shirt from flesh
his heartbeat was strong
but not for long
as she ripped it
from his chest.

Folding it in a napkin
placing it in her purse
it was still
beating in her hands

Stupid men
she muttered
while leaving the scene.
No, officer
I'm sorry
I didn't see a thing!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is our girl I assume?
Everyone else will offer their thoughts as they see fit, but you'll find I won't discuss the poetry as much as the tale to be told.
Have you had an opportunity to poke around in the discussions following the syllabus? You won't want to read it all (or maybe you will) as there is a fair amount, but a quick perusal will give you an idea of some of things we discuss here.
Since I don't know how much understanding of story structure you have I'll wait for a lengthy comment (I talks a lot) until you come back. Let us know what you'd like to do with this. I will assume because it is on NeoPoet at all you don't want to consider it "done". Give us an idea of what you have in mind.

To start small I'll offer this. The story uses all four of our component parts, but I'm missing a "point" (for lack of a better term). Now I know this character is rather chaotic (to say the least), but the exposition is sparse. Mystery is good, but without more than a smattering of information we are unlikely to become involved with the character which means to us... it has little point. We don't have to like the character, but if nothing concerning her is shared beyond her immediate actions we have little to create a vested interest in her.
Who is she and why should we care? As a small poem the chaos will carry itself, but as storytelling all we have is her inexplicable behavior. It is possible that the story will carry on and feed us in a later incarnation, but as we as storytellers have only the barest moments given at the first read to piqué interest we may not wait for the next episode.
It needs a reason. It does not need to answer all questions, but it must be enough to make us invest the time and effort to find out the rest. This would likely be best offered with exposition. Tell us who she is and why she's... um... nuts. It doesn't have to be all at once or even at the beginning. Bleed some hints out as to the why and wherefore of her motivation. Make us want more and more importantly convince us that more will be forth coming. Without reasons it is just chaos and chaos does not tell a story.
Tell me what you're thinking.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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She has reason and meaning for me because I created her. She is a part of me so I understand her. Chaos is such a big part of my life there really isnt much reason to Nevermore. She exists as a stress relief for me and probably not much else.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Now, as an official workshop leader whose responsibility is to aid however I might in enhancing the story telling I will say...
Consider actually using the language you used in the comment. Help us to understand that she exists and behaves the way she does as a stress reliever. Maybe even go so far as "stressing" that she is there to relieve the poet's stress.
I think it is an excellent and viable perspective for the poem. The reader will want to see something more than just the actions. They will want to see what the so called "point" is (I hate that word, but can think of no better at this time). Explain it to us. Help us to invest in the character, so we want to come back.
At least give it some thought. It's what I might do. It's just quirky enough to succeed at generating a perspective beyond the actions.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I don't really see her character being really valuable as far as story telling. After going back through the three poems I have used her in, I don't think there is much point or like you said really a reason for people to continue to want to read about her. She is an extension of a darker side of me and allows me to express negative or depressive emotions in a constructive manner. I am not a professional writer, I do this merely for my own sanity. I would invite people to walk in my shoes for a day but I don't think anyone would see the point in that or care to either.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I will say, in her favor, as she is an apex predator of sorts, a female serial killer, there are two different types. You have your organized killers and your disorganized killers. Organized killers are methodical, usually have a reason or a plan ahead of time. They plot every detail, set the stage. Disorganized killers, who often act in a fit of rage (as you see Nevermore do most of the time) have no reason, no method to their madness. They are driven by an internal force that you really have to pick apart their thought process in order to understand. If you look beyond the language of the original poem, NEVERMORE, you will see she had DAD issues. She was a victim of an incestual, twisted love affair involving her own father. She had been abused and brainwashed into believing he was the only one who could love her. Upon his death, she emotionally overloaded and unloaded for lack of a better word and sought revenge on most of the male population, or those she found pathetic and a waste of space. Parent issues or issues with a past lover are typical triggers and reasons for serial killers to become what they are and act on either their fantasies or impulses or even both. Perhaps I will write a poem about Nevermore before she became such an individual. Like most serial killers, she was born perfectly normal but life and circumstances made her a monster. We shall see what I can come up with.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

it is the journey that involves us." Perhaps her journey is a perspective that could be used and most importantly whether she chooses the journey or it is forced upon us. Another cute saying is- "we are what we most desire to be." Meaning, even if we profess to dislike where we are in life, if we had desired something other we would have exerted the energy to achieve different.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

philosophical stand point you are correct. Some of us really do choose to stay in certain situations or to become a certain something because we WANT to. Then there is the psychological stand point. When someone suffers enough trauma or abuse throughout their life, their brain chemicals and sense of reality can become altered. A child can be taken and told something over and over again until they believe it to be true (even if it isn't). These children grow up and become adults with issues or a warped perception of life and how it really should be. They didn't choose that life and some have never been pointed in any other direction.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment
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