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The Emotionless

Hesitant conversation
Made with caution
He sees you
But not really
You are barely there

White walls
That hold no color
No hope in sight
Faded furniture
Stained with careless mistakes
And a heart that feels no remorse

Windows sealed shut
Unable to let air flow free
You feel the suffocation
The imprisonment
The decay

Words of hurt
Hard to say
Fall upon deaf ears
Your tears are nothing
Time together just a waste

Rejected for the last time
All your efforts spent
The relationship is a shell
Nothing left to be saved

Would he notice if you were gone
Would he feel the empty space in your bed
Or remember all the times you held his hand
Would he let you fade, without a trace
A whisper of a memory
Left in your place

No, you are
One of the ones
But never the One
Forgotten future
Now his past

God help the soul
Of the Emotionless

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Tough subject. You have exposed a lot of emotions and done it well. The only thing I would say is that I would like to be able to sit in that room. If I may suggest, offer up a description of the surroundings and invite me to sit in that room with you.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

I dont even like sitting in it...very unfriendly place...

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

that we can invite others in to get a glimpse of our reality and they don't have to stay. They can feel the emotions but leave without the scars. Just my take, but the poem would be that much stronger if there was a description of the surroundings.

Still good and gutsy work.

Scott

Scott

your suggestions. I am just always leary to let others into my world. It is a very cold, lonley place these days but I will see if I can rework this to invite you in. Enter my world at your own risk.....

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

The nice thing about this particular world we are communicating in is that you can turn the door knob and the other person can walk through any door they choose. They won't ever find the room as you know it. They can only interpret your work based on their past experiences and reactions. In other words, your world is safe.

However, I have spent many a year in cold and lonely places, many of which were occupied by other people. It is truly a nice feeling to find people who want to be there.

I don't find it a risk to enter your world. I consider it a privilege. Thank you,

Scott

Scott

We can share a world. You look past the negativity and see the meaning behind my words. It is nice to have someone else in my world even if we don't see it the same.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Scott,

I took your suggestion. Please read and let me know what you think.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I hope you are happy with the edit because I feel you have added a tremendous amount with so few words. The description allows me to stand in your place and their place. Seeing/feeling both sides of the scene takes me even deeper into the poem resulting in additional conflicts and confrontations. It is a place I often seek in poetry and rarely find.

That being said, with the edits I believe that S4 is a little weak. Are you speaking the hurtful words?

Scott

Scott

Happy with the edits. You were right. A subtle room description made a big difference. I will work on s4. It could use more details. I was at work so I couldn't really finish.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

And I agree with the revisions.
If we cannot enter your world, you are wasting your time.
That is the emotional point of poetry as Scott so elegantly professed.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Into my world has always been a difficult thing for me. Not many understand it but I have found on here that there are many who do, so I am slowly beginning to open the door and allow others to come inside. I havent had much time to revisit this poem to work on S4 as my son has been hospitalized for almost three weeks but I will definitely come back to this at some point.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Thanks for the comment prompts...(on my works)
Love this....studying urban ruins for a few years
there are always the odd broken window..
but sometimes you are correct....reality or the fashion
of metaphor everything remains frozen..
trapped and stifled....caught the the echo
of it all..

loss or cry

your work is emotive and painful
and yet enriched with life
and survival

broken people removing themselves
from the blurr of the focus

..

I like your writing
as it delves into the basic
dark and broken side of
human nature..
behaviourisms..etc..
an area still ripe for
work!

we study the shock value
via television shows
but we are just starting
to delve into the meaning
of deeper and more seated
measures..

Like forensic
discovery
like spellunking
in philosophical
realms...

thank you!

Alot a like. I am actually going into Computer Forensics/Digital Investigation but I find every aspect of the industry fascinating. Over the last decade, I have had to deal with individuals who are mentally ill, watched it destroy them, in an effort to learn more I began studying human behaviors, oddities, serial killers etc. Found out I had a real passion for it and was good at it (including investigations, getting inside people's head and profiling) I enjoy writing about topics and things that are "taboo" in nature, the elephant in the room so to speak, the issues no one wants to talk about. Most are based on my own personal emotions and experiences. I am not sure if you have read any of my NEVERMORE poems. She began as my alter ego, a release for my stress and took on a life of her own. I am glad you enjoy my writing as I do yours. Hope to hear more from you.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I am concerned for your son and shall pray. I am not good at it as I am new to speaking with God, but he has heard me in the past and I am confident he shall hear me now when I ask Him to intervene.
Seriously.
Be strong and patient.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

My son is bipolar...he suffered a pretty bad nervous breakdown two weeks ago but is coming along. He should be home by July 3rd. It has been a long road and he has a longer journey ahead of him. I watched mental illnessddestroy his father. Then my own dealings with anxiety and depression. My writing reflects much of my personal pain. Nevermore was a creation stemming from the wounded part of me but took on a life of her own. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Dealing with the disorder I can say that I don't like the term "bipolar". It simply doesn't cut it. I fought the diagnosis for a very long time, so when I decided to accept that I was manic depressive, then I was going to be MANIC DEPRESSIVE dammit!
I wish you wisdom in dealing with the difficulties ahead. I know how tough they will be. Again, I shall pray and you shall know it in the results.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

For your words of wisdom and prayers. He is an extremely bright and gifted child, who realizes that he needs help and alot of support. It is the criticisms and disapprovals from those around us that seem to be the most difficult for all of us to handle, trying to make them understand but I am sure you know about this already. I am sure you have experienced this over the years. Again, thank you for your prayers and thoughts!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment
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