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Mist
A coffin lowered
the Sun blood stained and weary
never ending tears.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
haiku rules... even if it's not strictly haiku
Editing stage:
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Comments
eightmenout
Mon, 2013-05-20 17:53
Welcome
I see you are fairly new and asked for moderate/constructive criticism so I will try to be gentle. Please let me know if I overstep.
That being said, the theme is a bit cliche as are some of the words (coffin, blood, stain, endless, tears). I would prefer to see a stronger hook or twist to carry this through.
example
coffin burrowed deep
fill dirt blood stained and weary
soaked in endless years
again, welcome
eight
Scott
loveslave
Tue, 2013-05-21 11:46
Thanx for the welcome and the
Thanx for the welcome and the suggestions!!!!!!
D Steele aka loveslave
author commentloveslave
Tue, 2013-05-21 11:45
hi ya!
hi ya!
D Steele aka loveslave
author comment