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The River

Submitted by Josephus on Sat, 2013-05-11 18:47

The river runs slow today
As do my thoughts.
Continents of ice collide and separate
over a grey green field of quiet water.
Snow falls at random.
Flakes swirl or streak as god wills
as uncontrolled as my thoughts
White pin holes in a grey and formless day.

I rage at self inflicted wounds.
Afflicted with terminal incompleteness.
I Feel the cold of an empty being.
Yet also the warm solitude of self.

I sense the labyrinth that leads to clarity
Bringing flowers to Algernon; joyfully.

The river runs slow today
As does my life
As do my thoughts
thankfully.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

loved

Sat, 2013-05-11 18:58

loved's picture

the river does run
else it will overflow
and you will be done
let the river run slow
but well done
let the inner warmth now
be your outcome...

loved

Josephus

Wed, 2013-05-15 16:59

Josephus's picture

Thanks as always for your interest and your comments, Loved. I value them very much.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

loved

Wed, 2013-05-15 18:20

loved's picture

any time
on mine

loved

scribbler

Sat, 2013-05-11 20:56

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Man this is what I call poetry. The imagery is vivid as well as the metapors. I'm gonna throw out a few ideas which can smoke over and use or not as you see fit :
stanza 1 line 3 try substituting divide for seperate
S-1, l-6 change either swirl or streak to float (better describes a wide range of motion I think)
S-2, l-3 delete "an"
just a few alternatives........................stan

Josephus

Wed, 2013-05-15 17:03

Josephus's picture

I value both greatly. I have spent literally years polishing this poem. Your suggestions may help in that effort.

Thanks again,

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2013-06-18 22:40

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Been a while but I've come back to this reflective poem with new eyes(in an old head lol). I see you state you've been slowly polishing this poem. I do the same and even my old stuff isn't safe from change. In this spirit and with this reread I think you might reconsider the use of labyrinth. With the simplicity of the rest of the poem (a good thing....most good things are simple) perhaps maze would be a better fit. But that's just a thought and this poem is far above par as is...............stan

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-08-04 03:59

Ian.T's picture
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Thought I would read another of yours, This one is really good and the pictures it paints are grand, then the reflection of your self in those scenes is very well put,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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