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Sunday Morning

Submitted by Josephus on Mon, 2013-04-29 06:30

Daffodils bursting butter yellow
From a warming poltice
Of last years leaves

A cross cut lawn
In ancient tartan
Kelley and lincoln green

Forsythia
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence

A lady rain mists
A gossamer veil

My spade rests
Patiently
Against the dormant locust

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Mon, 2013-04-29 20:16

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

Forsythia fireworks-this alliteration is a bit obvious
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence- the alliteration of fence is much better, creates the rhythm

Dove grey sky-this tis he first line that seemed a bit cliched

I am content to watch
This soft warm moment-
Painted ethereally
For me alone-its always hard to end a poem on the right note, for me alone sounds like over dramatic romanticism. this warm soft moment is also a bit mills and boon cute. I like the previous S so much more with its concrete image of the locust, why not end it there, why feel you have to create a 'conclusion'
I liked the sonics throughout , 1, 2 and 4 stanzas, I really liked for their expression also, spot on.
kind regards
ross

Josephus

Mon, 2013-04-29 21:01

Josephus's picture

Ross, thanks for this, very instructive. Much appreciated.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

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