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Sunday Morning
Daffodils bursting butter yellow
From a warming poltice
Of last years leaves
A cross cut lawn
In ancient tartan
Kelley and lincoln green
Forsythia
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence
A lady rain mists
A gossamer veil
My spade rests
Patiently
Against the dormant locust
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ross Hamilton Hill
Mon, 2013-04-29 20:16
Forsythia fireworks-this
Forsythia fireworks-this alliteration is a bit obvious
A sunburst
Igniting the split rail fence- the alliteration of fence is much better, creates the rhythm
Dove grey sky-this tis he first line that seemed a bit cliched
I am content to watch
This soft warm moment-
Painted ethereally
For me alone-its always hard to end a poem on the right note, for me alone sounds like over dramatic romanticism. this warm soft moment is also a bit mills and boon cute. I like the previous S so much more with its concrete image of the locust, why not end it there, why feel you have to create a 'conclusion'
I liked the sonics throughout , 1, 2 and 4 stanzas, I really liked for their expression also, spot on.
kind regards
ross
Josephus
Mon, 2013-04-29 21:01
Ross, thanks for this, very
Ross, thanks for this, very instructive. Much appreciated.
Joe
My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.