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perennial dreams
the sun sets
in your eyes' ravine
of laden stone
where love used
to river through
the lusty green
and painting brown
now tepidly
resting to suit
the gustier mood
caught in
time's tide
of jaded memories
drowning in
the streams
of our perennial
dreams
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ross Hamilton Hill
Thu, 2013-04-18 17:03
the sun sets in your eyes'
the sun sets in your eyes' ravine of laden stone-- like this a lot
where love used to river through the lusty green
and painting brown--and this
now tepidly resting to suit
the gustier mood caught in- and this more than a lot
time's tide of jaded memories-but this is cliche
drowning in the streams
of our perennial dreams- and this is very ordinary.
so first 2 acts are great but the last act is lousy
ps the poem doesn't need to be cut up into two word lines, it adds nothing and just spoils the flow.
you're really got something to say. Look forward to reading more.
greeting from 'down under'
ross
nokros
Fri, 2013-04-19 03:57
Thnx Ross - needed the input.
Thnx Ross - needed the input.
Ross Hamilton Hill
Fri, 2013-04-19 16:28
No worries
don't be disheartened if you don't get many comments, you need to critique others to get a response back,. have a look at the Alsop Review, its a poetry forum that is more critical, more serious in it's approach, not for the faint hearted .
wesley snow
Fri, 2013-04-19 16:45
Welcome to NeoPoet.
I found your use of noun as adjective (river) intriguing. I periodically play that trick. I agree with Ross that the abnormally short lines don't add to the poem. It doesn't detract either, but I find it easier to "take a poem seriously" when unadorned by grammatical or formatting "gimmicks" (for lack of a better term).
The last line is a tad cliche, but easily forgiven (by me at least) as the rest is not.
As for the "faint of heart"... that sometimes goes for NeoPoet itself, but that's why most of us are here.
I hope you post again soon and that I see you CRITIQUING other pieces as well. No faint hearts here, so let it rip.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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nokros
Sun, 2013-04-21 15:38
Thnx
for reading, Wes.
loved
Mon, 2013-04-22 16:09
i try hard to comment
I try hard to comment
someone will also batter me
but to all it seems
nothing matters that shatters me,
so they read and like a river flow
heaven alone knows
where they all go,
as they leave me behind many a cloud
how I wished they'd say aloud
Loved get and go out
the rivers a flood
can't you see
how many more can be
mad at thee..
loved
nokros
Mon, 2013-04-22 16:40
CRITIQUING
can be a neurotic game