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Daydream

Submitted by Josephus on Sun, 2013-04-21 11:56

Black trees
Dead grass
Dusty roads
Seen through
Venetian blinds
Become
Grand Canals
Sun tossed wavelets
And bobbing gondolas

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Sun, 2013-04-21 18:56

Ian.T's picture
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This was not up to scratch, the description lacked a purpose and made your daydream bland:-

Drifting to gondoliers song
Endless water
A black craft taking you away
I glimpsed your back,
Through the Venetian blinds
As my tears flowed.
Only to find
My drink had overflowed.
Though the house
Still seemed empty

Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Josephus

Sun, 2013-04-21 19:28

Josephus's picture

I understand your concern but frankly that was the event as it unfolded while looking through the blinds on a dull spring day, nothing more or less.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2013-04-22 02:55

Ian.T's picture
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It was the presentation of your dream, we have quite a poetic licence as it were, to be able to flower up things that we see or dream, I just thought that you could have stretched it a little..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Josephus

Mon, 2013-04-22 04:52

Josephus's picture

Much appreciated Ian. I liked your thoughts in your first post and will draw on them as a path forward in is. Thanks again.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

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