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fuckin bitchy

I can visualize you
as a serpent
entwined
with another one
chaste at first
then roar like a lion

You emerge the strongest
of lovely men
robust
humorous
cantankerous

and
then like a rolling discus
the ones you twine with
will you curse…
when in them
you finally disburse…

the perilous
of all humanly wine
then once you un- entwine
you will find another
snaky one in line

till then lover poet
remain like wine
in a position you entwine...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

So much hatred in this write. Did someone turn you down?

he thought it was being sexy
MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN

loved

author comment

I got the same impression as frenchf....words like disburse....curse...perilous... cantankerous...'fuckin bitchy'...didn't give me the impression of eroticism (even though the use of the serpent could have sexual overtones.)

If you swopped some of those words with something onomatopoeic (sounds like actions)...it might work better? Your talent is often misunderstood...

Ells :)

misunderstood yes
only if you know not
the back ground

loved

author comment

I can see many places that you could come from in this piece, though the overall picture gives out a shout against the wind.
So you may have meant it to be erotic and a harsh love that is shared though the other party is slightly pushed away by hard feelings, I think with a few changes this could become a good piece,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

so that this one gets
the right pushes

loved

author comment
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