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Image of Sanctum

Submitted by Roscoe Lane on Thu, 2013-04-18 15:07

Image of Sanctum..

I’m watching shadows play on
a window blind that hangs in
my room as the sun passes by.
There’s a woman about to kneel
at a fountain, speaking to a child
who’s going to cry.

Feeling no voyeuristic gaze
she gently speaks, comforting
the child with a voice softer than
down. She wipes two lonely tears
off her chubby rosy cheeks,
a smile slowly appears so
chasing off the frown.

Is this imagination or the view torn
from another’s scene, a life not yet
lived or maybe from the past. What
right have I to judge what has been,
or dictate a future, without due
consensus nothing will last.

This lady fair does not demand of
this child’s feelings, she encourages
her not to cry but smile. A lesson
perhaps to the ones who are dealing,
in life’s fickle fortunes we must rule
together, they can no longer beguile.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

We all have these moments....

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Thu, 2013-04-18 16:05

Image of Sanctum..

I’m watching shadows play on
a window blind that hangs in
my room as the sun passes by. this reads well but I'm not sure how the sun 'passes by' is it out for a walk?
There’s a woman about to kneel
at a fountain, speaking to a child
who’s going to cry. going seems wrong as if the child is about to move somewhere else 'to cry'
MAYBE
There’s a woman kneeling
by a fountain, speaking to a child
who’s about to cry.

Feeling no voyeuristic gaze
she gently speaks, comforting
the child with a voice softer than
down. She wipes two lonely tears
off her chubby rosy cheeks, I would put in child's cheeks otherwise the humorous conclusion is the tears are on the mother's cheeks.
a smile slowly appears so
chasing off the frown. chasing off seems a bit sentimental maybe something more hard edged which is more in keeping with the tone you have established

Is this imagination or the view torn--- I would invert to 'torn view' sounds more interesting
from another’s scene, -- I would end the poem here, the philosophising and sermonising ensuing left me cold, it's over done and doesn't let the reader draw his own conclusions.
your descriptions and the musicality of your sentence structure is good, good, good.
all the best and nothing but the best
so help me God
cheers
Ross

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2013-04-21 19:25

Your ideas,

Your ideas give me food for thought, and i thank you for commenting. But i never said the tears belonged to the child, the tears are where the reader has them. You choose to read it this way, but i think other readers may not. Thank you and i think i'll use parts of your advice. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Frenchf

Fri, 2013-04-19 00:32