These stories are great, but I just am not read in the direction they come from.
I hope there are some that can read these grand pieces and do them justice.
I have read one or two and think that your writing to keep up with the story and make it such an epic is exceptional.. Probably an age thing that I become lost in there some place, Yours Ian.T

I can understand the poetry it is me being lazy if there are words I don't know I skip on, this is ok if it's just the odd word but when there are several it looses me.
It's not a fault of the poet it is me, but I thought that I would let you know that I had read your works anyway.
Your Theme is spotless and the story true, the flow is great and rhyme and rythme is excellent it is just that with strange names I become lazy.
Thanks for replying, Yours Ian.T

but as promised I'm going to go ahead with my analysis (they are all prepared through Inve and Enedentian, so it's simply a question of transferring them here... and making some sort of sense, which is much harder for me).

    I like this tale within a tale, but as I've attempted this a few times I'll let you in on something I figured out after a fair bit of experimentation. When you change the venue of your story, sometimes it becomes necessary to SAY SO (please to read my recent blog about Show vs. Tell). All of the lovely language in the world will not create clarity if the reader has to readjust to the new story line and doesn't have the "facts" to make this easy.

    For the most part this succeeds. I had no trouble understanding where I was and what was going on. When I come across the occasional moment of confusion, I will make note of it. Also, the meter change is of course still prevalent. I will note it only where it seems to me to cause a difficulty in the read. I think one of the more difficult aspects of writing a long piece is that (and I’ve said this before) if it can’t be read quickly with ease, the stumbling of meter becomes a true impediment. Still a rough draft, so the pointing out of small typos and the like is probably not necessary, but I need the practice and I might note something you would miss.

    Lines 1-6 are three incomplete sentences that would serve well if you simply used commas and turned them into one sentence. Line six presents a problem I have not solved. Cur/sed (I assume) is meant to be pronounced Curséd with two syllables, but of course the “accent” is on the first syllable poetically. How to convince the reader to read it correctly is beyond me. I have of late been leaving the “accent” mark out and trusting the reader. However, this means the meter MUST lead. It makes your switching from iamb to trochee all that more problematic.

    7 & 8 Articles like “of” are ugly when you accent them, particularly at the beginning of a sentence.

“The most of all these tales have truth,

fantastic to the raw uncouth,

yet of the legends ever told...”  ?  

I would avoid using most twice so close together.

    12 I think you meant her beauty “never shall be seen again.” The line is not clear.

    14 “Glorious” may eat up too much space. Try “gloried”?

    21 When I can fix this, I will try, but for now “this” doesn’t work in the meter. I would likely start the line over from a slightly different perspective... or something.

    23 Meter problem stands out. As a general rule I find it is not wise to allow a preposition (in this case “to”) to be accented in your commonly accepted meter.

    28-30 The meter problems are manifold. If you want suggestions I have them, but I think you can work this easily enough. If you’re “suggesting” iamb throughout (which you are), beware using two syllable trochee words as the second word in your verse.

    37 I like “A” instead of “The”.

    39 Like “but” yet only needs a comma preceding it.

    40 This line is parenthetical. End 39 and 40 with a comma.

    42 Meter again.

    45 You don’t need the comma. May I suggest Gary Lutz’s “Grammar Desk Reference”? It’s one of those quickie answer books that doesn’t go deep into grammar, but answers a lot of nagging needs. It’s one of my favorite tools.

    48 “Presence” is accented on the first syllable, you require it be on the second.

    51 & 52 I won’t pick on too many rhymes choices, but this one was a little too blatant.

    57 Try- “I ask for nothing in return.”

    61 Try- “I pay you with my limb and life.”

    65 “Can” give. He doesn’t have to do anything.

    66 She offers the court for him to live in, but the line doesn’t clarify that. Ah, always more words are needed.

    72 “and with her raiment did depart.”

    75 Invert “out” and “from”.

    79 Instead of “will” I would suggest “would”.

    80 I’m not sure I understood this line.

    83 & 84 Bad rhyme.

    88 Meter problems.

    92 You used the correct contraction earlier with “pow’r”, but slipped on this one.

    95 Most readers will read “jewel” as one syllable. This is not technically correct, but what are you gonna do?

    99 Okay, I’m way confused. “Womb”? Actually in her womb? Or in a pouch at her belly? Or... hmmm.

    106 Try “Upon her side ‘til waking day.”

    120 Eliminate “two”.

    131 & 132 Another rhyme I cannot forgive.

    146 Meter again. Remember, there are other places you play this trick, but I have only made note of the ones that seem to cause trouble. If I didn’t make note, it’s because it didn’t interrupt the flow and therefore was no trouble.

    147 & 148 Rhyme. Really?

    150 The line has meter problems, but more than that it seems to drop the story like a rock. Somehow we need a little more elegance in the drama. Too sudden.

    I am digging into this as I would my own poetry. When I start to get ugly enough to trouble you, then let me know. Otherwise... see you in part 4.