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The Visitors

A visitor called the other night
I think his name was, “Death”;

there was a hideousness about his eyes,
an icy chill inside his breath.

He spoke to me of a journey
if I’d promise to commit;

where the irritating sounds of life
would fade, and stay unlit.

Then another visitor came along
and I believe her name was, “Life”,

just because of the way she looked at, “Death”…
and made him put away his knife.

While offering some coffee
I showed each to a chair,

Lady Life seemed very cordial
ignoring Death's icy-cold stare.

The tensioned air seemed heavy
Death could've cut it with his blade;

instead, he sauntered towards the door
smiling over a comment he had made.

Grimm's grin quickly morphed into a grimmace, of sorts;
as he donned his now famous, hooded cloak;

he moved out my door, pausing past the threshold;
but Life pushed him out, 'fore he spoke!

Then she, with the eyes of a mother
and a heart that echoed the same;

spat bile on the demon wrath, calling him out
"Brother Grimm!" she did call him by name!

Death became very angry, and turned into white smoke;
he sputtered curses, in some ancient, lost "tongue";

and every time he'd re-appear, Lady Life would....
...hit Death with her cane, 'til it stung!

Lady Life then, did her level best
at attempting to try and calm me down;

Brother Grimm seemed so evilly, formidable
I meant to get away, without making a sound!

Which I couldn't envision happenning, what-so-ever
since all anyone of us could hear, was my heart;

some gloom he possessed crept inside of me;
and for the life of me, it just wouldn't part!

In the shadows grimm's eyes burned like embers,
"Oh really? On this you're challenging me?

There's not one reason to show him favor
he's but a pedestrian, you really can't see?"

"He's but a sly fencepost rider,
ne'er, e'er taking bets;

one wonders of the motives
of one who lives for his regrets!"

Lady Life spat again at Brother Grimm
she could barely tolerate his logic, so;.

he had this way of making it sound
as if he were the only one to know.

She said, "So what, my silly, old friend!"
"This hypothesis you share,

is meant for us to all believe
I'm the "bad guy", and you're who gives a care!

She closed the door, he left my stoope
she paused long enough for a sigh,

my racing heart then found it's pace
for I thought I was going to die!

I asked good lady life, if she
would care for another cup,

instead, she calmly started to
pick all her belongings up!

She never even glanced at me,
nor did our eyes both meet;

'twas then I finally noticed
I had no shoes, upon my feet!

The cold outside did push my door,
I felt the chill, inside;

then suddenly, she looked at me
and my eyes were opened, wide!

'twas at that moment that I saw
the "writing on the wall";

this "motherly", old lady
wasn't "Lady Life", at all!

I'd had these two entities
both singing the other's, song!

The problem that my logic held,
was that I was, so very wrong!

Her demeanor rose in confidence,
for her trickery I asked, "why?".

She calmly put her hat on, straightened it,
and said, "I'll say when you're to die".

"I've been with you, all along
you had our names correct;

life is like an hourglass,
keeping count, the miles, you have trekked!"

For only you can say what's truly....
...in your heart, concerning each deed;

whether or not, you own hidden agendas
or, if your good-turn really, planted a "seed"!

Now come, get your cloak on, your "vista", awaits;
plus, we must count all the times you were, blessed;

Grimm sees mioptically; so, suffice it to say;
I've not once....seen him, ever...impressed!"

Now, you just get Brother Grimm out of your thoughts
it's not him that sees deep, in your heart....

...he's the "pedestrian", and if your actions were "just"....
...'twould be his view, not your deeds; wasn't real, "smart"!

Brother Grimm's exactly, just what he is,
a mere reflection of everyone's life;

with that said, that is exactly, "why?"....
...each time, I made him put away his knife!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
So, this will be my single, independently-focused, embarassingly long-winded, continuously continuing, baby-ishly pedestrian-like, "effort"; for this workshop. hoo-boy, l did rename it, thanx; doc.
Editing stage: 

Comments

To read more of the saga

what thinks thee now, I think I'm finished.
appreciate any input,
whew;
and thanx.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I'll like to see this develop into a full story. The start is interesting.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

...as you can finally see, I did choose a direction; not real sure if I accomplished my directive....OR...if I finally picked the right one...because, it is no longer...."choose-day"!
thanx,
heh, heh.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

...I AM working on a direction.....even as we speak.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

Complication please?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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It merits a "conversation" between the two with our hero in the middle.

LADY LIFE DID HER LEVEL BEST
AT ATTEMPTING TO CALM ME DOWN;

Some of the meter of course made me want to "fix" it (knowing there is nothing wrong), but only one suggestion as perhaps a direction-
"The Lady did her level best
and tried to calm me down;"

This shortens the line perhaps too much in comparison with the rest, but it is how I heard it and a few others. I hope you continue this. You have an innate sense of straight forward philosophy in all your poetry and this could be a marvelous chalkboard for same.
My suggestion then... let them talk to one another.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Forgive me... this has caught my imagination.
What if we had a conversation between the two with our hero caught in the middle?- each debater presenting the advantages they offer.
For it to work each one would have to be given a powerful voice with reason, common sense and truth suggested for their point of few. The poet would have to be convincing with each argument's merits.
Then... perhaps... a final word as to which side should be accepted (and not necessarily... Life).
Just a wild hair.
I'm reticent to suggest that this is storytelling... depending of course how it was presented. Perhaps, using the hero's life story condensed (in other words... brief), but regardless, this is good poetry however it plays out.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

...how is my ending?
i appreciate your input, kind sir.
thanx;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

The theme is excellent and won't need much to correct any problems with rhyme or flow and form, Wesley has the knowledge on these so his word is the one to take note of

WHICH I COULDN'T INVISION HAPPENING (Envision) could be used to correct but I would make this more simple, with (See)
I had to look up stoop as I had lived in Sth Africa it is usually spelt with an e as stoep but it is ok as is..
Take care have you had a look at Cata the Master mason yet ???
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

The punctuation makes me nuts, but here in storybook land I don't much care how the tale gets told as long as it does.
It is a little confusing, but I found with a second read there was no trouble. Go over it again slowly and see if you can make it "clearer" upon a quick read. I will always go back and seek out the meaning, but good story telling should hit us in the head like a brick.
And if you think this is "long", you need to reassess. This doesn't even qualify as a longish poem, much less a lengthy tale. Were it mine, I would probably seek out the opportunity to add some character bits throughout that we might get to "see" these two actors a little more elaborately.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

...of course, you're absolutely correct. I've made a couple of changes for the sake of "story continuity". I had inadvertently called "death" Brother Grim, BEFORE "Lady Life had called him out, by name. I promise you, my poetical friend; to have these two mixing things up with a bit more of the "banter". Who knows? Maybe I'll add an alternative ending.
Thanx, for your ever-efficient compass in this matter, as I'm still, "navigating" through my options in this tale.

Sincerely;
. doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

...actually, just like the guy standing, & looking up in the sky; you got me to "stop" there....too. However, I stopped to attempt trying to figure out what you meant.
Is my grammer, wrong? Punctuationa major problem? Guess I could use some enlightenment, eh? Nes 'pa?!
'til your reply,
imput, hugely appreciated;
sincerely,
doc. :)

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

...and added, AND subtracted....what say anyone of you!?
I dunno....I really, dunno...

doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I found this story in verse captivating ..the theme is appealing because it's quite common for some to have a nightmare due to fear of the unknown..the encounter between life & death casting them as brother and sister is good ...Like Wesley has commented there is room for improvisation in meter and I am just thinking if having four line verses would make the flow smoother...sharing just these friendly thoughts given the fact that I am not an expert ...all in all it was a good experience..

raj (sublime_ocean)

...and thanx, for being so gentle with your critique, as well! I really appreciate your keen insights on this; do you know that l actually had nightmares of Biblical proportions, concerning this tale!?
Seriously, raj; thanx....again.
:) sincerely,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, ( although it tired my eyes a bit! LOL!! ), and just wanted to tell you it was well worth the effort, both in reading and in writing, I am sure!

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