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The Legend of Inve and Tantalla I: The Golden Crown

'Twas long ago, when Hamclad's hold
was newly wrought upon the fold
beneath the northern mountains high,
where icy summits scraped the sky.
Deep down within the dolven halls        5
of Aladice's gloomful walls;
there in a subterranean vale
do we begin this wondrous tale.

The world was young, the world was scarred
by ruthless war, it's beauty marred.        10
The battered lands lay wide and vast
and on the west, a shade was cast.
The heedless hatred of the lords
had raised their lances and their swords
against the power of the north.            15

Then from their hideouts, issued forth
the mighty sons of Ubelon;
so war was made and thereupon
the western lords in haste returned
with broken shields and banners burned.            20

Not only did they lose their pride
when fled they did the mountain side:

amongst the host that rode to war
with battle steed, with spear and spar,
there was a lord of great repute            25
whose glorious name could none refute.
The helm he wore, that bore his name
was made of gold and forged in flame;
the most esteemed throughout the realms
that lay in west, was Gillian's helm.            30

On that great day rode Gillian
against the sons of Ubelon
with thirty thousand at his right,
all dreadful lords commanding might,
and fifty thousand to his left;            35
the mightiest princes of the west.

Horses pounded, rent assunder
mountain stone in claps of thunder.
Swords were singing. Shafts were spitting.
Shields were cloven. Blades were ringing.            40
Like torrents of a brutal flood,
the mountain side ran red with blood.

In that hour, in that mire
fierce was fight and battle dire.
Mighty was the blow that struck            45
that western lord upon his back.
His sword was broken, cape was bloodied,
yet his glorious helm unsullied.
Splintered shards now lay beneath him
and so his end was swift yet grim.            50
Hammers fell and he was trampled.
Noble flesh in mud was mangled
while the heedless western princes
forged ahead with blades and lances
until the trumpets of retreat                55
at last had sounded their defeat.

Amongst the host that fell away
uncounted ever since that day
was Gillian, whose helm was high
and mightiest beneath the sky.                60

The fate of Gillians golden band
fell into Aladice's hands.
He bore the broken body home
and had it buried in a dome.
With prayer made and blessings said                65
Lord Gillian sleeps amongst the dead,
but rumour of that famous helm
spread fast throughout the western realm.
Deep in the hidden vale it lies
untouched by hands, unseen by eyes.            70

It sits upon a lonely throne
wrought long ago from mountain stone,
where wind is calm and clime is cold
deep in the pits of Hamclad's hold.
The mighty unassailed domain            75
looks down unto the western plain.
The glory of the western kings
now Aladice's minstrels sing.
Lost is the helm of Gillian,
claimed by the sons of Ubelon.            80

For many years, the golden helm,
once standard of Lord Gillian's realm
lies unadorned upon the stone;
a kingly crown upon a throne.
The world is changed, the fastness old,            85
and creatures new awake untold.
The war is distant memory,
for now there comes a mystery
of life begotten from a crime
committed at a bygone time.                90
The children of the sullied maids
who once in Ides were virgins made
for worship only of Esta,
most beauteous princess of the stars,
were born at last, and silent woke.                95
New songs they sang, new words they spoke,
for never had this ever been,
and never since shall this be seen;
For deep in Hamclad's hidden vale
where now the telling of this tale            100
begins, were born the modori,
begotten of the Ubili.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Hello Neopoet, and in particular, Wesley Snow and Maame (who's not on this site!) This is being done for you. I'm posting my next major poem. It explores another part of the world, away from Enedentia. The story here takes place in the west, which is far removed, and almost unconnected to the events that take place in the east. I hope you enjoy this first part. The poem is almost done, and I will be posting the rest of it (nearly a thousand line, short by certain standards) in the coming days. :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Is asunder wrongly spelled? Otherwise was good

Thanks for the correction. And more thanks for reading the poem. I'll upload the next story tonight.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Both poems show an excellent command of language and form Bravo.

joe

This, coming from you, means a lot to me. I don't consider myself good enough with the language.

Thanks for reading. Part three will go online soon.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Well, you have nothing to be concerned about, Keep writing.

joe

I'm going to take advantage of being behind in my duties. I will print this and read it all at once taking notes as I go. I'll get back to you quickly. Word.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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... someone around here mentioned that they felt we wrote in something of the same style. It was one of the most satisfying compliments I've had in a while.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'm sure the themes, and the meter of our poetry look the same to quite a lot of people. I once had a friend remark "but they are the same!" (after I forced her to read a bit of the Lay of Leithian, and then the Enedentian Epic)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

You mentioned in your notes that this is a first draft and therefore riddled with inconsistencies. Therefore, it doesn’t deserve the kind of nit picking I’m about to offer, but I’ve done the work and would offer it anyway. At the end I’ll talk about the piece as a whole.

Line 4- “scraped” is misspelled.
14- I didn’t like “egged”. The language here is (like much of mine) pseudo medieval and dramatic. “Egged” is too colloquial for the mood. Why not simply “raised”?
There are meter problems here and there which I find occurs in my early drafts because I’m writing quickly in hopes of laying the story out emotionally. Most I’m convinced you would alter in a later draft, but I will note them and possible alternatives regardless. Since we’re telling a tale here, I feel that a consistent meter is probably the most important tool you have (much more important than liberties taken in rhyme).
22- Try “when fled they did the mountain’s side…”
23- As it is still “part” of the sentence, the first letter following a colon of any sort needs to be lower case.
23- I will likely ignore some of your near misses in rhyme elsewhere, but “war” and “spar” doesn’t work for me.
26- How about inverting “none” and “could”?
33- This needs to end with a comma.
37 & 38- “Asunder” uses but one “s”. Both it and “thunder” are feminine ending with an unstressed syllable. Good double rhyme, bad meter and as I said, I think the meter needs to be (almost) strict if we’re to give the reader an opportunity to read quickly which is where the story is “told”.
42- “Ran”, not “run”. Both can be used as present tense. “Ran” is the common usage here.
43- This is trochee. You slip into using stress on your first syllable often in everything you write. I don’t know that this is a bad thing. Most of the time I don’t even notice that you’ve made me switch to trochee from iamb and this is a good example of it. It fits and flows with no difficulty. Perhaps I mention it that you will take note. I am more and more willing to abuse my meter if the abuse presents no problems, but take care to not let it occur without your knowledge. I often will read something I wrote with this sort of alteration and never notice it until someone else mentions it. I have occasionally done this over literally years of re-reading. Never allow anything to slip through your fingers into print that is not recognized for what it is. Rules are meant to be broken, but not due ignorance. Lines 43-45 are all trochee. All of them work.
48- This is harder. “Glorious” is correctly pronounced with three syllables and therefore works in this case. However, most will read it as a diphthong with but two syllables. Either works for me, but keep in mind that as we progress with a poem (particularly a long one) we are attempting to “train” our reader to “speak” as we do. You use “glorious” both ways (two and sometimes three syllables). This means (and this is important) you lied to me. We can’t have it both ways and expect the reader to adjust with ease. The first usage needs to hold throughout… with this word and others like it. This brings up a crucial point. The beginning of any story we tell (less so with a “common” poem) the writer must develop a sense of trust between poet and reader. This trust serves one purpose only- it gives us the ability (tool if you will) to LIE TO THE READER. A reader who has been taught to trust us can then be lied to later on and thereby be caught completely off guard. It is a tool critical to the story teller. I want you to believe me when I tell you something so that when I turn the tables on you I invoke an emotional response. Then of course, the trust must be regained… so I can do it again. Don’t waste lies on something as trivial as meter.
65- Here’s another example. “Prayer” can be used as two or one syllables. Consistency is the key, but I use only one as I think most readers with “speak” it that way unless you give them reason not to. Also, spoken with but one syllable again speeds up the read.
68- “Spread”.
72- Take care. “Long fashioned…”. Do you mean “long ago fashioned?” or that it took a long time to fashion it. I know what you mean, but I use this sentence structure myself. It is a “traditional” way of saying things, but to the uninitiated it can be confusing. I don’t always succeed, but in my final drafts I try to be certain that if the sentence were to be torn apart grammatically… the meaning CANNOT be confused. Liberties are our bread and butter (meaning… saying something incorrectly that has been said so many times that the meaning is obvious), but once again- don’t let it stand just because it sounded good and you were in a hurry. In story telling even more than other poetry, clarity is critical. A moment or two of confusion and our reader is gone.
83- “Lay”. I hate this word because I don’t truly understand the use of tense in “lay, lie, lain, laid…” and can’t seem to find a single, coherent example concerning the word. If you can explain it to me I will listen.
88- Both are correct, but I prefer “a” over “this”.
90- This needs to be “earlier”, but that doesn’t work. How about “…a bygone time”?
101- Should “modori” be capitalized?

You know I love your language. It speaks to me. Would that all mankind spoke as you write. I could do away with my anti depressants. This is a marvelous beginning as I’ve said, but some of it is not as clear as I would like. Where exactly is the helm? Buried with him? On a throne? In the end I know what you meant, but the transition from “buried with a dead dude” to “hidden on a throne in a mountain” is muddied. Who has it? How did they come by it after the battles; after the burial? I’m not sure unless I fix it in my own mind for you. That cannot suffice. I must be a rapt listener soaking in every word with no confusion. The moment I have to “read between the lines”, the drama is battered.
Now, I enjoy working the poem in this way as it focuses my skill. You may not appreciate it. Please tell me. I have “Inve…” worked and am prepared to deliver more. Not line by line only, but some overarching thoughts beside. I started with the second poem because (if you accept this sort of critical grousing) I wanted you to learn what I meant by “detailed critique” before I offer my thoughts on the first, larger piece.
I imagine Jess will have several cows when he sees me trying to crash Neo’s servers, but as this is for me and for you only he will likely understand.
William, I consider it a blessing to have intercourse with a poet of your caliber who wants to write epopee.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'll leave some responses here:

Line 4- I noticed "egged" while reading a long poem once. It's a word I hardly use, which is why I thought it would be best put here. "Raised" does have a more dramatic feel to it.

I spent a lot of time on lines 37 & 38. They gave me a lot of trouble, and I know I let the meter slip. I've corrected it a bit. I still retain the feminine endings, but dropping the "The" in 37 seems to clean things up a bit.

Line 48 - What you've noted is a big problem for me. I do it a lot, and try to force-fit my words into the meter. Yes, it's dishonest. :( Will using accents and hyphens on the words remedy this? Say, "glorious" against "glo-ri-ous"? Ok, that was stretching it a bit. But I've seen Tolkien do something similar, more elegantly, which I found interesting.

Line 90 - I hated that line. I really did. "Bygone" escaped me, but it works. Thanks.

101 - I've still not decided if such names of peoples ie. modori, fairies, tungoli, onori (you'll meet them) should be capitalized. :( The inconsistency bothers me, and I'll address it when I find the right thing to do.

But this was really helpful. I hardly know when my meter shifts from iambs to trochee. I usually go with what sounds best in my ear, after reading it aloud several times. This is not good, and I'm working on it. It will take some getting used to, but its high on my agenda.

I know it will be a bother if you did this for the rest of the poem. I catch a number of errors when I force friends to read through for me. Aloud. I once caught a line that did not form a couplet with such reviews.

Truth is, I'm occupied at the moment with school work (and other parts of the story), so I haven't given this as much thought as it deserves.

On the issue of clarity, I'm not sure if my referring too often to other parts of the story not contained within the poem, often with little explanation, makes this worse. I'll have to be more diligent with my storytelling next time. I often rush through, for fear that I will get tired and lose focus. It might be time to grow up.

I'm looking forward to your comments on the story as a whole. This is proving to be more exciting than I anticipated. :D

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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