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Winter of My Heart

Submitted by BrokenShards on Wed, 2013-02-27 20:54

A naked tree bends in the breeze
A lonely leaf falls to the ground
It shudders in the winter wind
The December roar is the only sound

The bitter cold is unrelenting
A cloudy sky looms overhead
The dirt is frozen, hard and stiff
What was once alive has now been dead

The darkness settles like a knife
It tears the day apart
The streets are empty this time of night
The fields are barren like my heart

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Esker

Thu, 2013-02-28 10:58

Esker's picture

"fields barren as my heart"

otherwise an excellent peice
I feel this

what once was alive is now stilled

I mull over peoples poems
like I do mine all the time
upon re reading

I love winter
the cold the flakes
and now the slush before march break

You have Captured winter
nimble as it requires in its slippery
slogged slushy realms

Thank You

weirdelf

Fri, 2013-03-01 03:12

weirdelf's picture
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is that although many things die in winter, it is a necessary renewal. Without it there would shortly be no life on earth. So the last line-
The fields are barren like my heart
seems to lack a hope of renewal.

Don't get me wrong, the poem works, and I like Esker's suggestion.

Call me a sentimental old fool (though not many do!) but I would like to see a hint that from your despair new and better things could arise.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

eightmenout

Fri, 2013-03-01 11:10

I can appreciate the darkness you write about. It has always been a part of my life. Unlike me, however, you seem to have a knack for bringing beauty to the darkness.

I do have one comment though. In the last stanza the darkness settles like a knife. For me, how does the darkness settle and then cut? Perhaps again punctuation or a preposition would break the line and allow for the darkness to settle and then cut.

Look forward to more of your work.

Scott

Frenchf

Sat, 2013-03-02 16:28

Rhyme tempo content tutti, tutti tutti in Italian

BrokenShards

Sun, 2013-03-03 00:02

Thank you all very much for the comments. I'm still tweaking this poem (which I wrote in math class) Some of the phrases might not sound quite right because I didn't have the luxury of reading it aloud which I do while I'm writing but I am still working on it. And Jess, I don't think your a fool at all. I'm beginning to learn that I am not defined but everything that happened to me and I am hoping my poetry will reflect that soon.

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2013-03-03 00:07

weirdelf's picture
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I can see you becoming a very valuable member of this site. You have the intelligence, talent, and above all the ability to take criticism with grace.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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