Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Finding the Way

Submitted by Rula on Sun, 2013-02-10 11:36

I look upon the dome when dawn has shown,
a light, a promise basks another day,
 a pearl of glory crept and slowly grown
fulfilling sights and hearts once went astray.
When darkness wraps, and eyen can't find the way,
aloof, and only high one finds the lost
whereas the helpless, hopeless souls exhaust.

**eyen" is the plural of eye as in child and ox
 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
The Royal stanza is the name of this form. **eyen is considered archaic by some but I think we should never shy using some of these archaic words from time to time .
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
fixed verse – it's not a curse

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2013-02-10 12:10

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

‘When darkness wraps, and eyen can't find the way’ – are you using ‘eyen’ as a poetic device, to catch attention or something? If not, then I really think ‘eye’ is enough, for the phrase ‘and eye can't find the way’ in itself has the connotation to mean many eyes. I think ‘eye’ works better for the rhythm….

I have read this over and over, and it is probably my ignorance, but I don’t get the connection of logic between the quatrain and tercet… or more exactly, I’m not sure I understand what you are saying

I really like the way the quatrain has as it’s text and subtext the sun and the dome of the rock (at least it’s how I read it – did you mean that?)

great meter throughout

thank you for your continued support, and for the awesome poetry you have submitted, throughout this workshop, rula
love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Sun, 2013-02-10 15:11

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

I'm sorry this wasn't clear enough to be enjoyed. It has some religious connotation you might figure refering to the dome no matter if it is the dome of the rock or the sky.However, I admit i'm not very happy with the trecet or particularly the last two lines.

Anyways i have really enjoyed this workshop though i've struggled by the end as time isn't mine these days.

Dear judy
I 'm really speechless in front of your generosity, the effort and the time you're giving to teach.
Thanks again and again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

Frenchf

Sun, 2013-02-10 12:42

and vocabulary

Rula

Sun, 2013-02-10 15:26

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

Thanks for your nice comment and visiting

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2013-02-10 23:01

Volunteer badge

I just Keep on learning about new rhyme patterns here. "eyen"....another new one for my thick skull to absorb lol. But I think using it here instead of just eyes might be a mistake unless it's important to the poem that readers realize the eyes are both human and non human. In any case i enjoyed reading this.............stan

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.