Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

WATER

Submitted by S.G. Blue on Wed, 2013-02-06 03:39

Some days I soak my feet in your shallow cool water
and my feet are loved.

My toes splash in the puddle left by last night’s rain fall,
creating a spot of envy burning on the soft white flesh just above my ankles.
It won't wash away.

The skin that runs the length of ankles to calves,
slightly tanned having been subject to your peace place sun café 7 a.m. good mornings,
is even more desirous of those tiny toes.

It begrudges my feet their puddle love play.

The thighs with which I show my impatience, nerves, sexual tension,
part and meet.
Cross and uncross with constant moving moments that inhale impatience,
and exhale long drawn out seconds masquerading as zen.
Let me assure you, my cage is rattling.

Wishes, prayers, begging.
Silently as flesh does beg.
In silence and stillness
Eyes focused, uninterrupted but seeing nothing around me.
I sit gazing from the spot within where
secrets of impetuous woman want flesh reside,
and stay
always smoldering,
like embers in me.

I like to stoke the fire.

Carnal craving creature.
I feel primitive rise and the sounds of my secrets
have me heaving, sweating
just barely touching my
parting, crossing,
parting, crossing
thighs.
This fog is heavy on me,
so heavy that I might just fall back upon the dirt,
the rock, the sand or the fire pit burning
and lay out
for you, my everything.

To be down low with dirt and man.
Pinned under you like rock and pressed down against the earth as though I have roots.
Close in flesh the fires of hell and close in ecstasy to the divine spaces of heaven.
I call out for Jesus but I look at you.

So that your wet
love
warm
drips down upon me,
carried on your heavy breath
you drop in mounds,
sensually
along my thin hips bones and wide thigh curves.

Me with fire pit embers and you come bringing the rain.

Smoke rises and I wade in this love like water on the edges of riverbanks
in dark early hours when secrets are sweet, sweet sins.
I am quiet and it takes me to freedom.

You, with your shallow cool water that puddles at my feet,
so I am free
and my feet are loved.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2013-02-06 04:01

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

Firstly welcome to Neopoet, and I hope your stay with us will be long and good..
Your first piece well to tell a story, etched with love, feelings rambling on over lines, criss crossed with other feelings.
A profusion of things, this is where you need to take care, in the arrangement of each phase, having a logical flow..
Your ability to use small words to make a great statement or feeling is fine.
Wait a while to see how others read this, I can see from this one we are going to have some grand writes, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

S.G. Blue

Wed, 2013-02-06 11:45

S.G. Blue's picture

Hello Ian,

Thank you for the welcome and for the honest critique. I appreciate the things you said and after reading it again after taking in your comments, I can see what you're saying. That is the problem with never really sharing my writing, which for the most part I never felt the desire to do, until now; you become the performer and the audience, The skill of editing subjectively doesn't get much time or attention to be perfected.

However, I will say that the almost distracted subtext in my writing that sort of meanders away from the path I'm taking is really how I think, speak and write ( I wonder if they make a pill for that...lol) so it likely won't be something I train myself out of. Having said that, I can see where maybe I could at least stay within a few feet of my original path.

Thanks again, :)

author comment

Frenchf

Wed, 2013-02-06 14:30

And the concept of a puddle produced by the man in your life interesting

S.G. Blue

Wed, 2013-02-06 18:48

S.G. Blue's picture

Thank you and I'm glad it was interesting for you.

I find the concept and the reality of his love soaking me to the bone quite "interesting" as well. It's why I love the man.

Another plausible connection would be that I began writing this in Mexico a few weeks back while sitting at a cafe drinking my chai latte on a very hot morning. Maybe I needed some cooling.

author comment

S.G. Blue

Wed, 2013-02-06 18:57

S.G. Blue's picture

Hello Beau,

Thank you for not only your lovely words but the obvious time you took in reading and critiquing the piece. I really appreciate it and it put a smile on my face, which today is suffering from the side effects if the flu. blah.

I truly am open to hearing critiques from all sides of the argument as they all give a different perspective to see my own work from. As for any personal attacks, I haven't yet received any but if I do, I am not such a fragile thing that it would keep me awake or shut me up. LOL.

Thank you again and I'm so glad you enjoyed the poem.

author comment

S.G. Blue

Wed, 2013-02-06 18:58

S.G. Blue's picture

Well that was a funny little critique aaaaaand....
I'll take it. Thank you for reading and giving me you very creative feedback.

author comment

Esker

Wed, 2013-02-06 20:54

Esker's picture

my love of topographies and historical passions
structure and emotive wordsmithing

I shall
say

my lines I love for me
that speak from personal histories
are thus

"along my thin hip bones and wide thigh curves"

but I love the hip bones
the succulent valleys of fire
and floods
the sluice of love

the fertile plains or barren haunted
ghosts of beautiful ruin

Like shoulder bones
where the wings reside
in Autumn rains
for the souls continental divide

(my work as massage dream maker)

That line speaks to me

Thank You and Welcome!!

S.G. Blue

Thu, 2013-02-07 00:43

S.G. Blue's picture

Well thank you for your poetic appreciation of my poetry. I do like that particular line myself - almost as much as I like my thin hip bones and wide thigh curves. Almost.

I appreciate the feedback and the creativity behind it.

I would argue that any sensual powerful woman was never made by a man she dated. She just was. Is.
But as I mentioned in my work...I do like to stoke the fire. Nothing wrong with a little feminist debate.
lol.

author comment

Jenifer James

Wed, 2013-02-06 23:03

Volunteer badge

Loved your poem, I think everyone has said it well. Lovely to say hello and well met.Look forward to more!

Jenifer Jaspa James

S.G. Blue

Thu, 2013-02-07 00:45

S.G. Blue's picture

Well thank you :) I never expected such a great welcoming to any online community and I surely never expected my work would resonate with so many, so quickly.

It's a lovely feeling. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece and it is nice to meet you as well Jennifer.

More to come... :)

author comment

loved

Thu, 2013-02-07 01:43

loved's picture

my feet are loved.

firstly
I would like to welcome you
a third Canadian poet from or of Canada here
one is the great one Esker

I rarely read epicurial poems
as my appetite is tight
but your maiden one
i had to make an exception

i saw a gal on the beach alongside another
almost in nothing
bikini under sand immersed
instead of in water
your poem flashed by
and made me sigh
I just can't say why
in memory she flew by
the curvatious one
the twisting and twirling
her lovely emotions unfurling
a stranger I
just glared and vanished
ere she flared
but lo and behold
she gave a sigh
I can't say why
perhaps twas the poetry in her eye
that's what made me read you
wondering if twas you
and what surprises me most
the word loved you also use...

loved

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.