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Or Was It Twenty Two..

Submitted by Roscoe Lane on Sun, 2013-01-27 17:59

Or was it Twenty Two…

Twenty one minutes on the underground,
and I’ve travelled ten thousand mile.
I don’t expect that you’ll believe my stories,
but I’m sure they always makes you smile.

What difference does it make if I believe them,
they’ll always be my tales maybe even dreams.
In a world where dishonourable deceit is rife,
remember nothing is what it always seems.

See those tracks are specially designed,
to take a lot more than just our weight.
They also lift what’s going on in your mind,
no matter that you should feel that it’s hate.

I’ve travelled these tracks every morning,
never going back twice to the same place.
Some times it happens without warning,
I’m off with a fresh wind on my face.

Travel with me sometime I beg you,
just sit on a train, bus, or even your chair.
Imagine a green sea or sunny sky that’s blue,
slip off your shoes and feel not a care.

Just listen to my one tale of caution,
don’t go angry into your wistful story.
It can lead to a nightmarish concoction,
and your wonder will miss all the glory

So dream my friend let all thoughts be at ease,
give in to the tracks that lead to your desire.
I do hope like me you find what you please,
and it may even rekindle that old wildfire.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

What do i know, i only dream them..

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Seren

Mon, 2013-01-28 03:04

ello Roscoe

Lovely rhythm

Taking the reader with you on your journeys
I like that in poetry it becomes just the reader
and writer .... That feeling of intimacy

Well done

Love Jc x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2013-01-31 17:55

Glad you enjoyed,

Glad you enjoyed this thanks for you comments. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

BettyBuff

Mon, 2013-01-28 04:41

Love the way this piece flowed and made me think of the daydreaming I do on the train...I close my eyes to begin with so I look like I'm asleep and don't have to chat to boring people! Then I fall into a sort of reverie that's usually quite refreshing as I'm lulled by the gentle rocking & chugging of rolling-stock.

I enjoyed this.

Ells x

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2013-01-31 17:58

Thank you,

Thank you for your comments, and as you have said, i also believe there's a bit of adventure when on a train journey. Love Roscoe.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2013-01-31 18:00

Thank you,

Thank you eph for your ideas, i have written them down and will get to work as soon as. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2013-02-01 01:27

I know,

I know but i like some of what you suggested, so i'll certainly have a good look and work on what i think's best.
Regards Roscoe.....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Frenchf

Mon, 2013-01-28 14:46

Agree with eph

Revisions to your beautiful piece were needed

Roscoe Lane

Thu, 2013-01-31 18:03

Thank you,

Thank you for commenting, and as i said to eph i will get to work as soon as. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Fri, 2013-02-01 08:40

I come late here.

Oh this is great Lonnie,
you can do it, give it an impetus
that carries the mind through each word you utter,
like following you along the track,
as you ask us to do,
and we do willingly.

Thank you for the ride love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2013-02-03 01:06

Thank you,

Thank you Ann nice of you to comment. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2013-02-01 17:03

Hi Roscoe

Always good to read some rhymes which I would not have thought of. When read aloud quite a few rhythm stumbles occured. But this may well have been on purpose as daydreams usually go from one to another in ways that defy rhyrhm lol. I enjoyed this poem in any case but if you decide to edit it just read it out loud. I'm sure the changes you would then make would be better than any I'd suggest...............stan

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2013-02-03 01:09

I will,

I wiil try to get some work done this weekend, Eph suggested a touch was needed here and there and i have a few ideas in mind. Thanks for commenting Stan. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2013-02-24 15:43

Hi

One thing I Wouldn't do is lose the change in rhyme pattern which works well with this poem........stan

Ian.T

Fri, 2013-02-01 18:49

Roscoe

You are locked into the circle line, do you meet fellow travelors or do you travel alone.
Toss a stone into the centre of a great lake travel outward with the ripples, you sound as if you have been remote viewing, best not talk of doing that too much, or they will ask you to spy for the country lol
Imagination and truth who knows, I guess it is the way I go to see my friends in far away places, but as it can't be done, well???
As you know we are Spiritualist's here and many of these thing just are..
Take care and next time see if you can meet a fellow traveller,
See you out there one day, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2013-02-03 18:37

I love,

I love travelling, but i also love travelling in my mind, less baggage. Well maybe lol, good of you to comment. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Sun, 2013-02-10 04:05

You know Roscoe,

You know Roscoe,
this one could work even better as blank verse/freestyle,
as it is prose-like in places,
and the rhymes could still be there,
but not necessarily at the end of the lines,
there is a slight feeling of contriving to rhyme
in this on the second reads,

Jump into the freestyle and you will find
the music comes with it, just as much as the western ....

Just musing love Ann,

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2013-02-10 14:25

Thank you,

Thank you Ann, i'm working on this poem right now, so i may try some of your ideas. Thanks for your advice again. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Sun, 2013-02-24 10:45

I look forward to seeing the

I look forward to seeing the results Roscoe.

LuvAnn

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Neopoet

Or Was It Twenty Two..

Comments

ello Roscoe

Glad you enjoyed,

Hi Roscoe!

Thank you,

Thank you,

I know,

Agree with eph

Thank you,

I come late here.

Thank you,

Hi Roscoe

I will,

Hi

Roscoe

I love,

You know Roscoe,

Thank you,

I look forward to seeing the

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