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The raw and the ruse

Submitted by t. reflexion on Fri, 2012-12-21 20:15

Sister Sarah said, her siblings are green
Steeped in the blues they fall headlong,
When dealing with a willing opposite
Undefined emotions embedded the senses
Presumed love becomes a smiling snare
Like a bubby traps set for rabbit holes

She prayed never to be caught there in
Declared fervidly, ‘Na love I go chop?’
Her love has eyes on a thinking head
To see the mask of preying people

People pretending with others hoodwinked
Naïve in euphoria of false triumph
Sometime they realize the mess they’ve done
Otherwise, late to correct and retract
The kingdom of man suffers and stagnates
The empire brought to an early end

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Tue, 2013-01-08 02:42

Ian.T's picture
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This one needs a little edit and tidy up where there is the odd typo (Bubby trap ??? Booby ) Your works are coming on in leaps now I suggest that you try to find a mentor to assist in your editing, Keep writing,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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