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of flowers..minor re-edit

Submitted by loved on Sun, 2012-12-23 01:51

beauty lies in the folds of nature
upon its natural beds
flowers bloom like angels
and spread love of life

such is the joy fresh flowers bring
the fragrance lasts a while …
yet all things end
so do flowers
after they bloom
they too wither away
but softly and slowly
as poets soldier- like fade away,

yet the inner soul,
the essence of life
continues for ever –
as they bury
their petals and seeds
bloom afresh others

the cycle of life continues…

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2012-12-23 10:21

You led me...

astray with those rhyming lines in the first stanza. I kept reading even though it was evident farther into the poem, that you were not going to continue to rhyme. I think I know where you were going with this anology of poets and flowers. I think you were trying to say that some poets inspire others to bloom and plant seeds to raise other poets. It made me think of all the new poets here on Neo. and who inspired them? I think you might smooth this one out a little and inspire some others. ~ Gee

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loved

Sun, 2012-12-23 11:06

i shall review as you say

I am hardly one to inspire
I only seek inspiration
as it oozes out from those few
who read and understand
my works and me ...
in all humility and sincerity ..

at times I get misunderstood
mostly ...
as poetry i write off my cuff
naturally
thanks to thee

loved

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2012-12-23 11:34

hi loved – an excellent write

hi loved – an excellent write – I really like it

my suggestions are in bold - those words I suggest you might look at as editing out are in brackets

beauty lies in the folds of nature
upon it’s natural beds
flowers bloom like angels
love of life they spread - I would suggest you soften the rhyme and maybe say ‘and spread love of life’
such is the joy fresh flowers bring

(the perfume) the fragrance lasts a while …. – repetitive – both words mean the same thing
yet all things (must) end (in naught) – just imo I think it works better without the ‘must’, and you can't use 'in naught' because it conflicts with your subtext
so do flowers (too) – better grammar, and you use ‘too’ in the next line but one
after they bloom
they too wither away
but softly and slowly
as poets,( like anyone else) – I don’t think you need this
soldier like fade away, (needs to be hyphenated – soldier-like)

yet the inner soul,
the essence of life / continues for ever – I would give this a line of its own
as they bury – and I would make this a new stanza
their petals and seeds
bloom afresh another - grammar - needs to be 'blooms afresh another' or 'bloom afresh others'...

(like human beings) the cycle of life continues – the subtext of your write, and made too obvious imo – not needed
( I pray, love all kinds of flowers
may this I say….) – very lovedly overmuch – I know you know what I mean

hope this is of some help

all imo remember
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Sun, 2012-12-23 19:00

Hi loved

One of the best you've written lately in my opinion. Have you considered breaking it into stanzas so each train of thought would be self contained?...................stan

loved

Mon, 2012-12-24 04:57

thanks ...best ever you may say...

i break into stanzas
my computer overrules me
let me see how I can apply my mind
thanks Stan
was busy shall revert
as suggested

loved

author comment

Neopoet

of flowers..minor re-edit