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Nowhere to go

Submitted by t. reflexion on Sun, 2012-12-16 21:23

I worked in the public and the private
To facilitate both at air and sea
For the economy to make her gains
Working for the ungrateful baldhead chiefs
Lethargic consequences trailed their greed
Out of work, aptitude in confinement
I’m hungry, the belly needs a refill

Like long lost friends we met and got married
Coped to raise adoring happy children
Volatility bred misfortune
My take dwindled to nonentity
The partner grew large in size and strength
The looming dust turned to gun powder
Exploded right at my face and feet

I took a journey not knowing where
Like in a dream I made a stop
Ahead of me was a bend to the left
I couldn’t tell where it might lead me to
I turned to look back from where I came
A gown of strangeness enveloped me
I’m lost; I do not know where to go

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-12-18 09:31

weirdelf's picture
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That's what have finally realised, my friend, after trying to teach you rhyme, meter, and humour. You need to research the the great revolutionary poets and learn how they impart their passion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

t. reflexion

Fri, 2012-12-21 22:05

t. reflexion's picture

seems to deal with protest of some sorts, it challenges the norms and seeks way to improve the lots of man. One example of this type of poetry I came across are the placards of a protest rally.

A friend here read my drama sketch dealing with a false bomb scare and asked, why my pieces are mostly negative in his opinion. I replied that in painting a face or landscape, I must note the contours and the broken lines.

I may not be romantic in my writings, please are the pieces you have read from me nagative?

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

t. reflexion

Tue, 2012-12-18 17:24

t. reflexion's picture

I do not know how far I have gone on the ladder of scribbling fine poetry, but I like the sound of revolutionary poetry and I suspect breaking of rules are part of it. I therefore beg humbly, for a licence to break all coventional rules of poetry and sing the 'Songs of Albert', a shadow of reality and pains of misconceptions.

I will take a walk into the world of revolutionary poetry, thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-12-21 23:46

weirdelf's picture
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Go for it fucker, churn some stuff straight from your viscera

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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