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denesity
I thought we topped out
When we first said I do
How could two love each other more?
How could two possess such allure?
Adore you, I do
So blessed am I
To have you
For if possible, this love could cause me to need crutches
Cause that’s how strong my crush is
For you
At least was
Before it became more, now it’s just love
Two hearts, one US
From a first kiss
To a rush
From lust
Came trust
And so it was
You and me
Became “we”
Finally
It seems like an eternity of waiting
.. for you.
But now, more love is all I want
Hope you can handle
Buckle up because my love is full throttle
I am doing 120 on a path with no limits
No hands on the wheel needed,
Our souls doing the steering
And the goal is nearing
Getting closer.
So grab me , as I grab you
Looking at you so happily
Yup, I think this was meant to be
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I am new to this site. I Will be posting more of my work. This is just the last thing i ve wrote.
Editing stage:
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Comments
themoonman
Thu, 2012-12-13 18:32
Hi Jayfrombk,
Welcome to the site. Thank you for sharing your poem.
I can only assume that you are a young person, and this
kind of love has overwhelmed you into writing this. It is a
way overdone topic and written so much better by many.
I recommend you read lots of poetry.
Watch your spelling, it is distracting to try to figure out what
it is you are trying to say ... toped= topped, posses= possess
Jayfrombk
Thu, 2012-12-13 19:46
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your comment. Yes i should have proof read that. I did it from my phone and never made the corrections i was going too. You ll see better from me tommorrow. And i am not as young as you think!. :)
author commentthemoonman
Thu, 2012-12-13 20:55
Thank you,
I'm looking forward to it.
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-12-14 07:33
Jay
I think, and probably the Moonman will agree also, that we probably think around about 36 years old as it was a lovely time, we cannot possibly think older, life would then become intolerable lol..
Yes I will look forward to your edit.
Welcome to our wonderful world, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-12-15 07:12
Should the title be "Density"?
Suicide for love is deadly boring. Forgive the pun.
Love poems are the hardest to write well and this one is a pathetic failure of death.
Unless I got it completely wrong, then please tell me so.
cheers,
Jess
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