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Closet Golliwog

Submitted by William Saint George on Sun, 2012-12-02 09:43

The room is dank and stale,
bedsheets and underwear shudder
in the closet bottom.

There, mucus stains
and bits of broken chicken bones
lie strewn as the slain
after Troy was sacked.

Windows are dark and dirty,
haunting curtains fly
as the lonesome winds sigh.

Pretentious music faintly sings:
bit-sized string quartets
chime a jolly melody
to an imaginary audience.

The mind grows faint from
pleasure's distress,
and foreboding what
may never come.

Reality is the nightmare
we mindlessly endure:
To escape in poetry
is like running off a cliff-
to an impending, thrilling end.

But it is more:
to rise from the dead as from sleep,
and know
that there's one more day
that must be lived.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

A little exercise in free-verse.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

William Saint George

Mon, 2012-12-03 05:34

You make a lot of sense

and I agree with you on that stanza. I felt it was a bit off, but I thought it was the second line that didn't work. Using the "nightmare" line you suggested feels a little too strong for the theme though, but I'll go along with it until something comes up.

Thanks.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-12-03 03:26

W St G

I loved the description and run of this piece, I just fail to see what the title has to do with the poem.
Golliwog, well they have also been thrown to the back of the closets by PC. I can remember my Mother knitting them and they were beautiful, in their jackets and always smiling, the dolly gave hours of pleasure to many children, but is this the connection in your write ????
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

William Saint George

Mon, 2012-12-03 05:38

Dear Ian

I used the golliwog here because of it's grotesqueness, which I like by the way. They have a queer sort of beauty, but I'm highlighting the "queerness" bit.

I'll admit there is a slight disconnect with the later part of the poem, which was intended. The first part (1-4) is more "closet golliwog" than the later, which acts as a resolution, leaving the metaphor behind. I wanted to describe someone who isn't as he wants to be seen.

It's well noted, your observation.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2012-12-03 12:34

I too...

felt the end came much too quickly for this piece. All the suggestions I've seen seem valid for this work. My own personal view is; I would try to insert something in between the sixth and seventh stanzas to tie them together. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

William Saint George

Wed, 2012-12-05 03:14

I think

the problem comes because I was trying to avoid rambling. After 5 stanzas of descriptions, I thought it would be good to break away and get to my point.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Neopoet

Closet Golliwog