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breaking china

Submitted by Seren on Wed, 2012-11-28 07:26

I remember your hands
and their journeys,
firm and sure
they planed my hips,
and smoothed thighs
to abandonment

you touched my eyes
asleep,
as if you could see
the visions of want
in my dream,
rimming my lips of the taste
lingering from my last meal,
(sometimes you)

your hands haunt me
like ghosts of themselves
where once, you would need
to feel the pressure of us

now,
you pick me up like fine china
and press my hands to your lips
as if sipping tea

treat me as iron and marble
pound and polish me

until I beg for no more

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

sueb

Wed, 2012-11-28 09:30

sueb's picture

wow passionate write loved x

Seren

Thu, 2012-11-29 05:18

Seren's picture

Very glad you liked this one thanks for the comment its much appreciated

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ross Hamilton Hill

Wed, 2012-11-28 14:28

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

rimming my lips of the taste
lingering from my last meal,
(sometimes you)---I think this is too graphic, I'm not against honesty in love poems, but this jibes with the atmosphere you create previously by the use of metaphor

where once, you would need
to feel the pressure of us

now,--I'd cut this too, its clunky and again too prosaic compared to what precedes and follows.

until I beg for no more--I'd leave this out too, begging for (No) more is a sexual cliche,

Having said that i love the rest of the poem its really sexy in a beautiful way your metaphors capture the mood in a wonderful way. a great love poem.
ross

Seren

Thu, 2012-11-29 05:25

Seren's picture

thanks for the honesty its what I need to make my poems sing and really nail it ... I have an idea for a line or two that will replace the rimming my lips line, I have been editing some older stuff I will get to this one in a day or two

Very happy you took the time much appreciated

love JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ross Hamilton Hill

Wed, 2012-11-28 14:38

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

I just reread your poem and forgot to mention how good the rhythm is
then i noticed this line
as if sipping tea- and thought that was redundant, then I thought about the pressure of us line and think that should remain but still think those lines a bit awkward,
still don't like the ending line although that's most probably just me,
in case you think this is too negative here are rhe lines i love
I remember your hands
and their journeys,

they planed my hips,
and smoothed thighs
to abandonment

as if you could see
the visions of want

your hands haunt me
like ghosts of themselves

you pick me up like fine china

treat me as iron and marble

sometimes you really get it so right

Seren

Thu, 2012-11-29 05:30

Seren's picture

I value all critique I have been struggling with a few things over the last few months in my studies but I think I am finally starting to really get some of it right ... I dont think your comments are negative at all they are valued crit that I dont always get for some reason I have worked really hard on my edits so I will be interested to get your thoughts on them

thanks for coming back I certainly will look at those lines you pointed out I have already edited the last masterpiece with your comment in mind and a few others of course its making for more streamlined lines and better rhythm

love JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment
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