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Just a Dream

Submitted by AnnaNJ on Sun, 2012-11-25 21:55

You're a dream
that I'm left struggling to remember
- the details blurry
and fading fast.
Trying to picture your face and mannerisms
is something my brain has to
frantically grasp for
before it's been dissolved into my subconscious
and forgotten.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-11-26 03:03

weirdelf's picture
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and usually love brevity,
but this left me wanting more meaning.
Is the subject dead? Broken up? Is it a comment on that person's ephemeral nature?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

AnnaNJ

Mon, 2012-11-26 18:25

AnnaNJ's picture

Thanks for the critique. I'll definitely take it into account while editing.

author comment

wesley snow

Fri, 2014-02-21 11:18

wesley snow's picture
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I like to think that nothing is ever finished, but can always be offered change and growth. I agree with Jess. This needs an "explanation" for lack of a better term. Your language skills are delightful. You use imagery like a natural. I would simply like to come along for the ride, so "clarity" might be the first thing you think of. Remember, we don't know what you're thinking or feeling unless you tell us.
Mystery and subtlety are good. but too much mystery and we just don't get it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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