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The Sushi Train

Perspicacious pimps make jingles out of crime.
The crèche of dope is there, if you need ‘quiet time’.
Incipient, the sushi train roars round the bends of fate,
Princess Origami smokes 'cause Madam Skim is late.

Animals on menus, the blood of saints for sale.
Refugees from a sunken earth scuba dive beyond the pale.
Madam Skim now orders up to celebrate the end
of another war where no one knew who was foe or friend.

Her mind is like a chopping block crawling with new germs.
She can’t decide who to love, guess it’s not her turn.
The anorexic Princess has given up on feeling.
She settles for the social whirl, like a fan stuck to the ceiling.

Princess Origami sits, thin as mountain air.
Madam Skim chatters on and pretends she isn’t there.
The lexicon of what went wrong is like a spreading stain.
Madam Skim is ogling what’s on the sushi train.

Popcorn sales of absolutes dot the glassy road.
The Princess kisses princes who keep turning into toads.
Tired now from seeking her milieu’s UFO’s;
fact’ry quick connections ‘tween see saw so and so’s.

Lovers laugh, back to back, as baby goes to sleep.
Merlin and the seven dwarves manufacture ecstasy.
Bargain basement Madam Skim is counting out her money.
Wants to buy the book of love; thinks it might be funny.

Somewhere gentle creatures are hiding in their burrows.
The work of man is paralleled in patient,earthy furrows.
The golden fields of barley shake whispers out of silence.
The sushi train goes round again without a hint of violence.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Very interesting. I'm not really big on criticizing or pointing out flaws on someones work( My personal philosophy, you can ask about it later if you want). But I could feel a lot of things going on here. Made me think about deeply about the world. Good work.

i'm into critiques, if people specify 'I want the truth..." if people don't want crits that's fair enough too.
it has helped me and still does, but each to his own, glad you liked the poem.

author comment

‘Perspicacious pimps make jingles out of crime.’
- love the opening – it draws one in to the poem immediately

but with
‘The crèche of dope is there(,) if you need ‘quiet time’.

‘ Princess Origami smokes(,) 'cause Madam Skim is late.’

Her mind is like a chopping block(,) crawling with new germs.

She settles for the social whirl(,) like a fan stuck to the ceiling.

i want to pause in the middle of these lines – I think you need commas in order to maintain rhythm

‘of another war where no one knew who was foe or friend.’
and
'The Princess kisses princes who keep turning into toads.' – these line are just a tad long imo

‘fact’ry quick connections ‘tween see saw so and so’s’ - lol I like this line

and also
‘Lovers laugh, back to back, as baby goes to sleep.
Merlin and the seven dwarves manufacture ecstasy.
Bargain basement Madam Skim is counting out her money.
Wants to buy the book of love; thinks it might be funny.’

lastly
‘And somewhere gentle creatures are hiding in their burrows.
And the work of man is paralleled in patient,earthy furrows.’ – I’d drop the ‘and’s

I enjoyed reading this ross
love judy
xxx‘

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

will do an edit,

author comment
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