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Changes
Changes
The pleasure boats of promise sail away.
An avalanche of friends; don't want to stay.
From high stepping love, the wounded heal.
Hands locked together praying all they feel.
Babes finalize a fond, farewell salute.
Kisses sadly blown like Krishna’s flute.
All for love I guess, they graciously
give more than get, pretending that it’s free.
Keep winter warm with summer’s dog-eared map.
Heat the hearth with twigs that burn and snap.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2012-11-17 04:34
Hi
I like the rhyming couplet form and enjoyed this very much. For some reason I keep wanting last line to say something like heat the hearth with twigs that burn and snap. Seems more natural but maybe its only me...........stan
Ross Hamilton Hill
Sat, 2012-11-17 12:45
great minds think alike
I tried various last lines, the one you suggested was one of them, shall edit it in. thanks for your comment.
I thought this poem had slipped under the radar as no one else has said anything.
Seren
Thu, 2012-12-06 05:53
Changes
I felt this poem to my core its not very long but it conveys all that it needs to
I cant find anything to suggest, I liked Stans suggestion on the last line
it gives it more pop :) kudos
love JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Ross Hamilton Hill
Thu, 2012-12-06 15:23
hi
I tinkered with this one too much, I read somewhere a poet saying you shouldn't work on a poem after the mood that inspired it has left, atleast not to add to it (editing is ok) I think that's true.
Seren
Fri, 2012-12-07 06:39
I believe your correct, I
I believe your correct, I have tried to add to poems after the mood has waned it just doesnt come together for me, editing as you said is a whole other matter
hugs JC x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats