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Reflection

Submitted by Race_9togo on Tue, 2012-11-13 00:11

Look now, my love, look now,
As candlelight warms the mirror,
The beauty’s in the eyes, dark gulfs to draw unwary lust
To lips delicious with anticipation of another perfect kiss,
Fingers bright on your smooth darkness
Ringlets of your earthen hair
Tickling my nose
And heart

Watch now my love, watch now,
I’ll lift your heavy breasts
With cupping hands to show the curves
Of soft delight time cannot paint
With any familiarity, for wonder
At their warmth and fullness
Catch my breath each time I look

And look my love, look here,
the softness where
my hand fits perfectly,
the place our children grew

And here my love,
the thighs that wrapped me in pure pleasure
As we made them

I know you don’t like mirrors but

I do.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Esker

Tue, 2012-11-13 00:44

Esker's picture

Like the use of "Mirror" here
and "our"

Must go at moment
sleep.. Shall return
later...Like this very very much!

Race_9togo

Tue, 2012-11-13 15:36

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That you enjoyed it, although it does not come close to most of your work!
Thanks Steve

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2012-11-13 04:32

Seren's picture

Sigh I wish this was a gift to me I hope you have shared it with her :)

So nice to see you its been a long time since we last spoke hope
all is well in your world, my life has taken a few twists and turns

I cant see anything I would change it flowed off the tongue
wonderful poem I will start looking through your poems
and see what I have missed

love Jayne-Chloe xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Race_9togo

Tue, 2012-11-13 15:46

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If I'd known you were back I would have returned a lot sooner. Six months is a long time in the virtual world, isn't it? Or is it more like eight or nine? Time flies when life becomes "long and interesting", as the chinese say, and I've had more than a few twists and turns myself.
I don't think you've missed anything of mine, Jayne, this is the first effort I've done in many months, only re-inspired to write by Esker's latest, which, of course, is way up there with his usual level of art and skill.
I see you've some work that I haven't read either; I will, and comment, as time and tide permit.
It is so very, very good to see you again, Oz Lady.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2012-11-13 23:10

Seren's picture

Ive not been here much since the beginning of the year, I have a few poems I am working on I just havent had the time while I have been studying to spend any real time here, not sure how long you have been away I havent seen you the couple of times I have popped in so it must be quite a while, my youngest is now working after finishing his HSC, he is looking for a place to live so very soon we are going to be alone argh I am going to hate it, already miss the other three ... all my chicks have flown the nest, gives me more time to write now so it has its benefits lol

I will go through your poems and see what I've missed anyway
So very very good to see you I missed all you guys while I was away
hope you and the family are all well ....btw did I say how much I love the poem
the title fits it like a glove :)

hugs JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Race_9togo

Wed, 2012-11-14 16:19

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had another attack, in hospital in January and just went through some very bad mental crap, lol!
Okay now though, although I'm looking to make some changes to have a SIMPLER life!
Good to know you still studying!
Hugs

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

sueb

Tue, 2012-11-13 05:52

sueb's picture

lovely passion-filled poem much enjoyed x

Race_9togo

Tue, 2012-11-13 15:53

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Heehee...I was wondering to myself, "how do you pronounce that name? Soo-ebb? Su-eh-bee?" Took me a while to get it: "Oh, Sue B.!" LOL I am too tired for words!
I am glad that you enjoyed this little effort of mine, it is the first I have written in a long time. I like writing love poetry, amongst other kinds, but I cannot stand the simpering, sentimental sort!
Thanks again, for your enjoyment.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Ross Hamilton Hill

Tue, 2012-11-13 15:55

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

Look now, my love, look now,
the candlelight, the mirror.
Your eyes, it's dark gulfs draw me unwary
to another perfect kiss.
Fingers bright against your smooth darkness.
Ringlets of your earthen hair
tickle.

I’ll lift your heavy breasts
to show the curves time cannot paint.
Wonder at their warmth,
the softness where
my hand fits perfectly.
The place our babies grew before first cries

and your thighs that
wrapped me.. Made our children.

You don’t like mirrors but I do.

I really liked this, was taken in by its sensuousness and loving intimacy. I loved the sonics and imagery.
I have taken the liberty of offering you my edit, I cut what I thought was either unnecessary or sounded awkward or was cliched. Me edit is not an alternative version just a way of showing where i thought your poem needs attention. My version is too bare (excuse the pun).
very difficult to write about sexual love, made me envious that you have done it so well
kind wishes
ross

Race_9togo

Wed, 2012-11-14 16:26

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Hey Ross, its real good to hear from you.
One of the things I've just now realized is that I've missed the criticism far more than I thought I did. More than that, I think I've missed the honesty and care of people who actually give a hoot about how well I write...if that makes any sense.
I'm still reading your re-write, and I like it very much, but I'll have to give it more thought before I begin making changes. I do agree though that there are some lines that need a re-write.
Thanks for making me think, and challenging my work. Your input is always invaluable to me.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

BettyBuff

Tue, 2012-11-13 16:27

BettyBuff's picture

Sassy, warm, round...oozing sensuality and real loving grace. Just lovely.

'Betty'

Race_9togo

Wed, 2012-11-14 16:27

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:)

But...but...what did you REALLY think?

I am glad that you enjoyed my poem so much!
Thank you.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2012-11-13 17:01

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Good to see you back. It's a thin line between porn and erotica in poetry but you managed it well here. Really liked the 3rd line............stan

Race_9togo

Wed, 2012-11-14 16:29

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Its good to be back, I missed this place much more than I thought.
Thanks for your enjoyment! Funny, but I like that line too.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-11-15 10:51

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I very much enjoyed this sensuous write, much as one enjoys fine dining.When read aloud, it fills the senses with a soft aroma of gentle pleasure. And smoke gets in my eyes. The recipient of this gift of loving must be enraptured by its light.

It has been a very long time since you were last here and you have been missed. I light a candle for you.

always, Cat (& eddy)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Race_9togo

Thu, 2012-11-15 22:23

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Yeah, it's been a long time, hasn't it?
Thanks for your enjoyment of my poem. I'm starting to notice that people seem to think my work should be spoken aloud, which I suppose is a pre-requisite for good poetry. Its kind of ironic though, since I almost never recite my own work, except to myself!
Your enjoyment is my pleasure, Cat, thank you for it, and the light.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-12-12 12:45

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My one crit is the line-
the place our babies grew before their first cries

it feels a bit coy. You don't have to be overly sensitive to her, she knows what the place is and what it can cause,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Race_9togo

Wed, 2012-12-12 15:31

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Need I comment on how right you are, regarding that line?
I changed it, and the next one, and its much better. Now I'll have to go through Roscoe's ideas again, as well! Thanks mate.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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