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October zephyrs

October zephyrs briskly blow
to sweep away September's fling
and yesterday's a brief echo -
a tantalising taste of spring

Today the trees cavort, dance, while
October zephyrs briskly blow
and, slyly, ebon clouds beguile
preparing moisture to bestow

in sharp cascades, on all below
prolonging winter's long furlong
October zephyrs briskly blow
and I have heard not one bird's song

The promise of bright summer's smile -
a mellow, yellow world aglow -
is hidden from our vision while
October zephyrs briskly blow
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
a quatern
Editing stage: 

Comments

However (and please don't think this sour grapes), "echo" is stressed on the first syllable and therefore feminine. Otherwise, as an exercise, this fits the bill nicely.
It's also rather sweet.
Well done Leader Lady.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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i left it as to see if anyone would pick it, as (imo) it is very subtle and I think the trochee works there too

i was going to make it a feminine line with
‘and yesterday's an abstract echo’,
but thought I’d see if anyone picked it up
– lol not sour grapes at all
I’ve been waiting for you to visit ‘andante lullaby’ – that’s worse

anyway – I’m really not sure that I want to change it, as I like the eight syllables throughout, but I feel I probably should as we are being strict with the meter in this shop
… and then too – it works with a feminine line as a pause before the next line works

also - i really wouldn't let me get away with
'preparing moisture to bestow '
as well as
' and I have heard not one bird's song'
'The promise of bright summer's smile' -
either lol

thanks wes
love Judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I wouldn't change it. It's enough we have the conversation. What's next (so I can get a leg up on it)? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

i'll put it up now
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I'm not normally a fan of overtly seasonal poems, but I love this. It manages to avoid seeming too trivial for me as I despise "blue bird" poems. Lol.

for the very kind comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

You're aware I'm pretty unlearned in many poetic forms so I'll not judge this one other than to say the repeated but measured spacing of that one line doesn't sound unnatural. Line 3.....for some reason I want to replace "brief" with mere. And line 5 seems awkward . Maybe it's the comma immediately followed by the first word of a phrase continued on next line. Line 10...I think that prolonging, long and furlong might be one too many longs for such compact line.
I enjoyed the imagery of this in describing a favorite time of year...........................stan

you hear the scansion of those two lines out because it is

‘and yest er day's a brief e -cho –

‘mere’ won’t work, for it is stressed also

 To -day the trees ca -vort, dance, while’

glad you enjoyed this

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I am still not sure what form this Quatern type poem is supposed to take on.
I see that the repeat of the line from one to four through the stanzas, now the question is:- Rhyme and reason, you have rhymed well but is it used when writing a Quatern???
In Stanza three:-
You have used furlong, did you mean to use the measurement, or the vacation word, which is Furlow ???
Just a small thing lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

the quatern doesn't have to rhyme - but i tend to not be able to not (lol)

as far as meter - the french 'count' differently to the english, they count syllables as opposed to feet, but even when counting syllables only, the french still have rules as to what can go with what and what can follow what, as well as silent syllables being counted....... so we have set the workshop to use meter as our rules for the writes
- check out the exercise on the workshop page ...

i meant 'furlong', but see 'furlow' would work very well
- but it doesn't rhyme then (even though it doesn't have to i think an unrhymed verse would stand out)

many thanks for your thoughts ian
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

It is a dangerous drug.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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