Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Indian Summer

Like Indian summer,
Her smile holds the color in his fall.
She warms the days
And keeps off the frost of lonely nights.
Retarding winters rush a while longer.
Those wretched winds will with certainty come at last.
But in their coming, the memory of his
Indian summer will keep him warm.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

The idea of the Indian summer being a she,
retarding winter is nice but this doesn't
quite work for me, I copied it and studied it,
but my new version changed it too much to
be a constructive crit. so I leave hoping that
you can use this theme and make a new
poem of it.

That's how I felt abut it, Ann of Norway

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

(Like Indian summer) I'd omit this as the title already sets the scene,
Her smile holds the color in his fall. I would use 'of' not 'in' as it continues the 'o' sounds of 'holds' and
' color' this is a lovely line
She warms the days
And keeps off the frost
of lonely nights. 'off the frost' is a bit harsh sonically so i would break the line here so the rhythm can recover
Retarding winters rush
a while longer. same here
Those wretched winds
will with certainty
come at last. this is the most awkward line sonically, 'will with certainty' sounds old fashioned, almost legalistic, but you've used it to fit the rhythm and I can't see an alternative, so i would break the lines again to help the flow
But in their coming, the memory of his
Indian summer will keep him warm. the ending line is weak as it repeats both 'warm' and 'indian summer'
I would find another word for warm either here or in line 3, repeating indian summer is ok

As you can see from the attention I've given, I liked this poem, its deceptively simple, sincere and moving
all the best
ross

Hi Ross
Thank you for the read and the comments. I will do some revision based on what you have pointed out. Thank you very much for all the help.

regards
Gerry

Gerald Walsh

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.