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Speak Like Paradise
It would end with me
And I would be fine with it
For up ahead burns something
Not new,
But alive.
And I wait for this fire to burn brighter,
And I hear people talking of the past,
Yet they don’t understand,
They speak of keeping heritage alive
I refuse to live in song and dance.
I prefer to speak in poetry,
The way old Paradise did on that open road.
I prefer to stare the world in the face,
And not say a word.
I crave the silently loud noise of it all.
So yes,
It can end with me
And I would be fine with it.
I am going into the madness,
And I am confessing all I did wrong
Along the way.
Something burns in the distance,
Not new,
Not old,
Alive
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Comments
Ross Hamilton Hill
Sun, 2012-11-04 16:21
It would end with me
It would end with me
And I would be fine with it
For up ahead burns something I really liked these first 3 lines, it has a natural conversational flow
Not new,
But alive. still good but less so
And I wait for this fire to burn brighter, using burn twice is repetitive something more imaginitive is needed
And I hear people talking of the past,
Yet they don’t understand,
They speak of keeping heritage alive heritage is a broad abstract, makes the poem prosaic
I refuse to live in song and dance.
I prefer to speak in poetry, as a general rule don't write poetry about writing poetry
The way old Paradise did on that open road. I like the mystery of this line
I prefer to stare the world in the face, this is a bit cliched
And not say a word.
I crave the silently loud noise of it all. this paradox is ok but really doesn't mean much
So yes,
It can end with me
And I would be fine with it.
I am going into the madness, madness again is a broad abstract doesn't tell us anything
And I am confessing all I did wrong this is better
Along the way.
Something burns in the distance, this is a good line to repeat
Not new,
Not old,
Alive the ending is weak, I like the idea of repeating lines as a chorus but old, new and alive are again broad abstract words which are not going to engage our emotions.
I think you should upgrade you required level of crit to raw truth, in my not so humble opinion, you would benefit from it, I can see a lot of potential here. You have a good ear for a rhymic line and how to compose.
very best wishes for future poems
ross
Ross Hamilton Hill
Tue, 2012-11-06 16:13
hi again
not sure why this hasn't had more comments, perhaps you need to interact more by commenting on others so they read your work?