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KDT

KDT

outside lava throwing fire
deep inside a little girl bent like wire though she hides

She fell once
I offered my hand
Her tears pressed too thin
to see
but she reached for me

she laid me down upon the gravel
we joined at the chest
and shared.......something
voudoun, darkness

I have never been the same

elaborate fog tendril
moves as it pleases
it hunts for those marked
upon hot summer breezes

She is missed without need
her scent subtly freezes
I carry her young now
inside my own reason

glorious seconds we are not apart
now comes the hardest the larva depart
off peels the bandage, progeny start
small faces on spidery legs scuttling art

I am still here, though they are gone
healed back the food that had fed the spawn
at nights of her chosing I am drawn
to the symmetry of a missing dawn

she'll see when I am ready soon
at the rise of the full scarlet moon.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

powerful language

one small crit
'moves where it pleases
.... her pain is what pleases'
- 'pleases' used twice - do you mean to emphasise? it seems too close in the write imo

this poem sticks with me, and even though i am still working on the meaning, i like the emotion and visuals it gives me
- especially the line 'small faces on spidery legs scuttling art'

i like the way you have used intermittent rhyme - it draws the write together somehow

love judy
xxx

...

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I appreciate your kind words, your thorough critique, and you kind suggestion. I have made the change and feel the poem is stronger for it. As for the meanings, they are just a series of surreal nightmare imagery and metaphors about a twisted relationship. This piece is strongly influenced by William S. Burroughs and Vladimir Nabokov.

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Thanks for the kind words. It's pretty skewed and metaphoric. It's about a relationship where she was into darker things than I was but the chemistry kept me attached.

Thanks again Lonnie!

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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