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The passing...

The passing…

As his head was writing of battles,
his heart ached for peace. He
longed for the comforts of his
mother’s Serge.

The Divas had eyes of reddest red,
they danced on the bodies of those
who were to be dead.
Stiletto heels scarred the skin so
horribly tight, their dance would
last well through this coldest night.

Petrified people’s petrification was
indeed sunk deep, correctable
expostulation was the norm.
From judges and lawyer there
was not a peep, they’d not
pontificate they’re way out of
this storm.

So many valid subjections laid
to burn with the rest, who would
escape the mighty phalanx of truth.
Marauding through the estates
of wealth and self interest, the
accusers were now in the director’s
directorial booth.

How many more days can this
cleansing slaughter exist,
no one had the answers or cared
for it’s extinction.
We at last had a power no mere
mortal could resist, and not to
many voices were descanting of
our rendition.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Comments

‘they’re dance’ - do you mean ‘their dance’?

great alliteration with ‘Petrified people’s petrification’ followed by ‘expostulation … peep … pontificate’…

I love the way this starts out, great first stanza, but I somehow think that there is a slight overuse of large words that (for me) detract from the write – I get the feeling that the write is trying to be too ‘clever’ if you know what I mean

as i say though, that’s probably just me
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Sorry if it gave the empression of trying to be to clever, but i was really trying to emulate the courts of law in those few lines. And as you'd write a script if you were a clerk, maybe i have tried to be to clever. I have corrected my spelling blips, and will definitly have another think. Thank you for your comments . Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

no need to change anything - it is only my opinion, and as you say, you were trying to emulate legal discourse.. i didn't pick that up - my bad, not yours
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you Lonnie, your comments are much appreciated. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
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