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Burger and Fries
A big burger and lots of fries
not the best in terms of healthy, you say.
But excuse me, did I ask?
A ride on the greasy side of life,
no doubt a dangerous delight.
But at its thought,
I’m Pavlov’s dog.
I’ll risk that beating by the great OZ,
doctor that is.
Dismissed as well
the sucking sound of shrinking arteries,
as without ceremony
I devour this
killer feast.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Sun, 2012-10-14 08:29
Hello Capjack
A big burger and lots of fries
Not the best in terms of healthy, you say.
But excuse me, did I ask?
A ride on the greasy side of life,
no doubt a dangerous delight.
But at its thought, I’m Pavlov’s dog.
I’ll risk that beating by the great OZ,
doctor that is.
Dismissed as well
the sucking sound of shrinking arteries,
as without ceremony
I devour
this killer feast.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Sun, 2012-10-14 08:34
Hello Capjack
a brilliant fun indeed . I really like it
I just sort it out differently ...Hope this won't offend you.
A big burger and lots of fries
Not the best in terms of healthy, you say.
But excuse me, did I ask?
A ride on the greasy side of life,
no doubt is a dangerous delight.
But at its thought, I’m Pavlov’s dog.
I’ll risk that beating by the great OZ,
doctor that is.
Dismissed as well
the sucking sound of shrinking arteries,
as without ceremony
I devour
this killer feast.
but again it is only me so if you leave it as it is , it is still a great read.
Thanks for sharing
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
scribbler
Sun, 2012-10-14 16:56
Hi Captain
A few of your lines ended at an awkward place but I agree that the taste of a good cheeseburger is well worth a bit of clogging of arteries lol.........stan