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THE GOLD IN THE PEBBLES

Submitted by t. reflexion on Sat, 2012-09-08 18:26

On the beach gathering some stones
To decorate the front quarters
Black and white, immense and petite
All set to be carried away
In different baskets we’d brought

From the pebbles I collected
A gleaming object reflected
Rainbow colours inside the sun
Against the evening skyline
A gold coin meant money at hand

I turned the item round and again
Within the palm of my damp hand
Yellow turned into golden hue
With an edge of silver lining
When dropped in the ocean water

Gold and silver were the high points
A humble state to be enriched
I lost the gold which I had gained
The water swept it away fast

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-09-15 03:47

Ian.T's picture
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A very good sketch for a story that is fun, well written though needs the tiniest of edits, maybe the first line could be shortened to:-
"On the beach gathering stones" or a shorter version of your line, and your last line a change so that AND can be taken out.
There are many that don't like "and " to be used at the start of a line.
You take care out there, and ask, if there are things that you cannot get there at home, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

t. reflexion

Mon, 2012-09-17 19:20

t. reflexion's picture

I tried to keep the meter rule, this makes some of my sentences longer. Though, I am at liberty to make adjustments, I require a level of mastery first.

I have made some adjustment on the two lines and I hope this is okay. Thank you and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

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scribbler

Mon, 2012-09-17 19:31

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I enjoyed both the imagery and the easy come easy go lesson.................stan

t. reflexion

Mon, 2012-09-17 20:31

t. reflexion's picture

for stopping by and for the comments, best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
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